So, this is March

Just like Hostile Wednesdays, March has a flavour all its own. Stronger than bitterness but certainly no sweeter, March brings the kind of misery that most people manage to forget over the course of the other eleven months. So, in case you were wondering, it's not just you--March really sucks. Here's some sure fire ways to tell that you have a case of the Marches (which are at least as bad as the Februaries):

• Reading Week is over, and somehow you're further behind than before you got that extra week for catching up.
• You're running out of things to clean. Everything is immaculate.
• You consider calling home as a "break" in your studying.
• Essay due dates are so close you could reach out and touch them; you recoil in terror instead.
• When you see snow outside, you want to cry and you're disgusted that you ever regretted that you didn't get to have a white Christmas.
• You start cutting deals with yourself. Think: if I go to half of my classes today, I can watch 15 minutes of tv before I fall asleep reading. (Or my personal favourite: If I go to half my classes I can have a drink when I get home and not do any reading tonight. If I go to ALL my classes today I can get loaded and play Mario Party til I pass out. True story.)
• You miss November. After all, Christmas was coming and those classes you had last term weren't nearly as hard as the one's you have this term.
• You've learned how to multitask so well that the other night you accidentally ate the pencil you were writing your outline with while you researched another paper and tried to fit in at least one well rounded meal of cheesies and diet coke. The "diet" part is key.
• Half the people around you are on Weight Watchers so they can fit into their itsy bitsies. You lost your itsy bitsy in a freak wakeboarding incident last summer and never want to go to the beach again. At least that's the excuse you use.
• You cringe at the thought of raising your head to see the clock and realize just how late you are for your third class of the day.
• When you found out that someone else has been accepted into a summer internship you thought back fondly of your last summer job. And you sigh because it was the worst torture of your life, but you miss it.

And since I'm known all over the world for my ability to spread positivity, I'll add my tips for getting through March:

• Break up your readings and do a little bit each day. You'll catch up. I swear.
• Now that things are clean, you can concentrate. Otherwise, make a mess and tidy it up. It'll make you feel so much better.
• Start emailing your parents instead. Parental emails will make you laugh. A lot. "I am a director." Right, Jenn?
• Make outlines for your essays. Make them detailed enough that all you have to do is add words like "of" and "the". When you still haven't hit your word limit by a couple of pages go through and add words like "positively" and "by no means". If even that doesn't work, reverse every belief you ever held about wordiness.
• Make a snow angel. Take a picture of it and the look on your face when you realized it was snowing again (or how horrible you would imagine it looked) and post them side by side on your wall so you never forget the horror you felt over "snow? in MARCH??".
• Make the deals well worth your while. When you realize that you're doing it uncontrollably or subconsciously, up the the stakes. Think: for every hour of studying you get done on Thursday you can spend 2 additional dollars on alcohol for Friday and Saturday night. Making the deals relative to specific amounts is essential.
• Make a list of the major projects you had in November and complement it with a list of reasons Christmas didn't live up to your expectations over the course of your entire life. Dig deep. Don't forget to include the first time you realized that SC thing was nothing but a hoax.
• Don't get carried away multitasking. Make time for the necessities--like food. Schedule everything and read over your schedule for a laugh before you go to sleep each night.
• When those Weight Watching people try to tell you how bad your cheeseburger is for you, ask for the stats. Listen carefully. Half of my fibre points for the day?? Eat twice as much and chalk it up to a fast metabolism. Never let the truth get in the way of your happiness.
• Set your alarm and turn the clock around when you go to sleep each night. You'll stop watching it and get to sleep faster. Avoid sleeping pills; you never know when you're going to have a desire to wash them all down with that bottle of vodka sitting in your window sill just to make the Marches end.
• Make a list of people you blame for making your life so miserable that you miss your summer job. Blame everyone from your noisy roommates to that guy with the bright red hat. What was he thinking?? It is SO red!! Remember: everyone is out to get you. Even your mom.

How positive and life-affirming was that? If all else fails, just quit. I mean it. Quit. Don't be a halfway quitter though; those people really get under my skin. You know the ones I mean. Some Goo for the road?? It wouldn't feel right to leave it out.

I'm talking to myself again I'll just start a fight. Nobody can prove me wrong--I'm right. Anti-hero idol with a suicide excuse. A thousand other suckers will try and fill your shoes. I ain't the only one to say: Little pictures in my head, Turning inside out again, Cause fucking up takes practice I feel I'm well rehearsed; Because the past is a bully and the futures even worse, You tell me what you fear cause I can feel it like a curse. Well, you used to be a folk singer now you're just a joke singer, Ain't no smoking dope singer swinging from a rope singer.

I ain't the only one.