What is Wonderful (Because I'm Sarcastic)

Christmas always puts me in this most fucked up of moods: one moment I'm reflective, and grave even; the next I'm thinking that Mike's light tastes exactly (and I do mean exactly) like the vomit I tasted so many times when I drank too many smirnoffs. How fucked is that? This entry looks at what is wonderful (because I'm sarcastic) and what is terrible (because I can't even muster the sarcasm to make these things seem remotely wonderful).

Part One: Tongue in cheek, the heroine tells you what is wonderful in her life.
There are some things that are just about beyond words. They are the things that keep writers writing and painters painting--because the thrill of capturing their essential goodness is so exhilariating it cannot be ignored. Most things are not so hot though, and it is only our sarcastic love of them that makes them even worth mentioning.

1. This fucking french game on which Dennis got me hooked (I was going to say "that Dennis got me hooked on" but lately I have been extra sensitive about prepositions.) It told me at least ten times that I am as stupid as Paris Hilton in a truly sarcastic and berating manner. It hurt my feelings. I can't stop playing it. PS I kicked Dennis's ass because I got over 30 seconds and his best is 26.836.
2. Christmas. Everyone else seemed to get a wad of cash. I got a bunch of things I was going to buy myself but my mom bought me instead. Life is wonderful.
3. Who needs to go to school at Georgian? Jeff's tuition receipt was returned. Fuck, I don't even know what that means, but apparently he will be returning to Barrie as of early January. "To do what?" you ask. "Fuck if I know, " I respond.
4. I broke our engagement present. Clean break at least. The "me" on the porcelein figurine just came off, and so did the "Shane" arm. Precious Moments figurines are cuter anyhow, and I much prefer my mother (and Amanda's) engagement present(s)--BOOZE.
5. Chocolate fucking cake. I love these two minute wonders. I'm eating chocolate cake that I "baked" less than 3 minutes ago. It may cause cancer, but god damn it is delcious.

Part two: In which the heroine tells you that which is not so very hot about her life (in case you were starting to think you should disown her on account of the fact that her life is too wonderful for her to need your guidance.)

1. Everything else. Absolutely everything else.

But at least I have my health, right? And a positive outlook. Clearly.