The Big Hole
I was conscripted to painting duty all day Saturday. There was a long-winded compromise involved, but I definitely got the short end of the stick (what stick? the proverbial stick, Brenda). I followed Shane around with a handful of screws and learned that electrical work is not only boring, it takes longer when Shane's gotten into the beer. Still wanna live at Jason's student housing deal? I'll go on...
The first 24 of beer didn't last long, so Shane and I were sent on a beer run. Being the wonderful and loving girlfriend that I am, I decided that I would tag along in case he decided I should drive. (Oh, I AM that wonderful.) We got to the beer store down the road without any "major" incidents [Sidebar #2: When I learned how to drive stick, my dad sent me home at rush hour on the QEW home from Ford. I called him 45 minutes later and told him I didn't have any "major incidents" and he was thisclose to having the hardest panic attack of his life. Luckily, I'm the second born and Jeff had broken him in real good already. So I just left out the part about being stuck in third gear on the off ramp. Our little secret.] I went into Wendy's because I can use my meal card there and that delights me to no end. I bought some burgers for me and Shane, and a coke for myself since I was apparently going to spend the rest of the day painfully sober.
I know what you're thinking: where is the hole in all this? Well, let me tell you...on the way back, we got turned around a little, but I maintained my faith in my man. Surely, this was going to be yet another uneventful trip to the Beer Store. Then we found it. The biggest hole I've ever known any one to drive into. Right in front of Jason's newly built home...where they were digging for the plumbing or something. This hole was probably 5 feet in diameter and at least 4 feet deep. In we went. Luckily, Shane was going too fast for normal driveway driving, and we just went right in and right out. STRAIGHT INTO THE HOUSE. Oh, man, you wish. I hit my head and yelled like I was sure tomorrow the end would come. Shane got out and proceeded to tell every body that I drove into the hole. Now that's love.
And this is how the story ends with the fire department...
That was a long day. I got onto a pair of stilts to help paint and I almost died. But that's enough about me. We went back to Jason and Kathy's to barbeque up a late night dinner. I got to drive. That involved a bit more yelling and an extremely drunk young man standing in front of a big hole waving his arms--so I wouldn't drive it.
Jason decided that to make the evening a little more fun, we should have a fire. It was a pleasant, legal, tiny fire. (I need to emphasize the tininess of this fire because I was freezing my pants off.) But Jason's neighbour wanted none of that. She came out in her robe yelling and screaming that he had better put that fire out or she would put it out for him. Jason loved that. He brought out the hose and sat waiting for her. Instead, she called the fire department. They showed up, decked out in their hot hot fire fighting attire, and went over the regulations with us. "Yes, it's legal" they said, "but there's been a complaint made so we have no choice but to ask you to put it out." They even admired our tiny fire, but rules are rules. We were very kind and they were sympathetic.
Now, here's the best part. Jason's neighbour was waiting for them at the sidewalk, and yelling at them because they didn't do enough to prevent it from happening. After the fire department left, Jason turned to that horrible, horrible woman and said, "CAN OF WORMS."
Confused? I was. He continued, "You have NO idea what you've done. You just opened a big ol' can of worms. I'm here for 30 more days and I'm going to dedicate that month to making your life miserable. Morning, noon, and night I'll be out there cooking my breakfast, lunch, and dinner." Oh, Jason...if only it could have ended there. Kathy joined in to "back up her man" as Shane put it. I think she was just pissed off that her neighbour was a bitch. They fought for about twenty minutes, here are some of the highlights:
- "You haggly hag!"--Jason
- "You have a law degree? And what do you use it for while you sit on your butt in your house all day?" --Kathy
- "I used to work for the London Fire Department and next time, they will fine you!"--Shane
- "You're nothing but an old coot, and I'm an old coot so...you should just leave them alone."--Jason's dad
- And finally: "I only have one more thing to say to you, lady. YOU SUCK!"--Jason
Jason's dad went out back a few minutes later and yelled at the top of his lungs. It was practically perfect in every way--just like Mary Poppins. Now, if that didn't make your day I don't know what will.
Your goo send off: Living like a house on fire, what you fear is your desire. You're all I'm not; and I don't need what you ain't got. I'm blind and waiting for you.
Convert.
No comments:
Post a Comment