Coping Strategies

What to do when you don't want to do anything...

In accordance with Jenn's advice, this is indeed the second post in two days. I hope you enjoy it, my dear, since you're the only person who ever reads this nonsense.

It seems to me that much of the world is in need of a few pointers on getting through life. I know full well that I'm not the only person who has miserable Tuesdays, and the popularity of Hostile Wednesdays is booming in a way I never thought it could. So I've compiled several suggestions that I believe will help get everybody through this grand ordeal with at least a few less injuries.

First and foremost, give up on the idea that you will ever be content for more than a few moments at a time. The sources of happiness for most people are so few and far between that they do not deserve any type of devotion whatsoever. That includes lovers and friends because the world is constantly trying to right itself, and that usually involves separating happy couples and forcing together people who would rather die than enter into a friendly exchange. As for school, even if you get an excellent mark it won't make you happy. You will always find a way to ruin it for yourself. Moreover, if you get perfect you still won't be satisfied because you will tell yourself that it was "so easy," thereby devalueing the best possible mark you can get. Case and point: I almost cried when I got 107% on a grammar test last year because there was a bonus question that I missed.

Take a healthy dose of spite when you wake up each morning. Find an innocent object (not person) to kick or yell at just because of the way it looks or something that is inherent. [Sidebar: this morning I got mad because my shower was so wet. This is a perfect example.] This way, you won't relinquish your wrath on every passerby--just a few of them.

Get a really boring hobby, then let your creative outlet be finding ways to make that boring hobby interesting or relevant to other aspects of your life. If the hobby isn't that boring, you can still be creative and come up with excuses for doing it. When you get really good at it, you can tell because people will groan when you start talking about it, knowing full well that you are preparing to launch into a speech about how video games increase reflexes. An excellent case of this happened just last week: I explained to Brenda that Dynomite was helping me study for geology because the combos were named based on time periods. Now if that's not innovative I don't know what is.

Send random and retarded essay topic proposals to your professors. You'll get used to getting shot down, and once you've worn them out your actual topic will be like a breath of fresh air to them. They will be so glad that you gave up on a "political" reading of Peanuts in relation to nihilism that they won't be able to refuse your somewhat more conservative approach to the course material.

Learn a new language. Start with the profanities. Learn to say these foreign obscenties in the sweetest voice you can muster, and greet everyone you meet with them. This trick works extra well if you can do it convincingly enough that no body thinks you speak English. NB: Gibberish is a great language to break yourself in with. Practise my lapsing into gibberish whenever your emotions are unexpectantly heightened.

Tell every person you see that they are your new best friend. Tell them something incredibly private. Like always, don't let the truth get in the way of your happiness.

Do a formalist reading of the Presidents of the United States of America's song "Feather Pluckn", "Lump", "Naked and Famous", or "Stranger." Try to figure out what they're really saying. Reason your way into an epiphany about life, death, sex, or chocolate.

Resist everything, especially your most basic urges. (That one was just for you, Jenn.)

Earnestly claim that you don't like the smell of it. Then take your clothes off in a restaurant for the helluvit. Or tell someone that you live in seclusion. Make it clear that reality and sobriety are your only delusions.

Every time you feel like you're on the verge of tears or any other kind of utter emotional collapse, do the chicken dance. You won't be able to take yourself too seriously if you are doing the chicken dance. If you are afraid to do this in a public place because you think it's embarassing I have only this to say to you: swollen eyes and runny make-up; real men don't cry.

See, the most important lesson to learn is that life is just one big joke. No matter what you do, it's probably wrong in someone's eyes. If you try to please only yourself you will be all alone in the world, and if you try to please everyone you'll be a miserable failure. Positivity wein-style. You know nothing if you expected anything different. Tomorrow I have a special entry planned...for the only person who was capable of making me smile on my Hostile Wednesday. Who could it be? Oooh, a cliff-hanger. Til then...