Jeanism: A Small but Worthy Sect of Weinism

Before we begin, please note: Most religions fear and loathe dissension. They think any opposition to their established beliefs will lead to their downfall. In Weinism, this is not so. The basic rules are simple, and as long as they're adopted, you can do pretty much whatever you like. That means you can be part of another church, pray to whomever you like, and abandon then return to Weinism as many times in one lifetime, year, month, day, hour as you feel necessary. With a thorough understanding of this fact, my second in command has established her own version of my already near-perfect religion. And so, I give you, a glance into the world of Jean...

Jeanism is rather strange; and while I'm sure I've had some impact on the rules that have come out of its development, I don't quite know where to begin with this one. Surely there must be something about fire hydrants...? Well, that's been done. Second Cup is pivotal to Jeanism...just like Weinism, and it has been done. So, I have decided to just relay the story of my twentieth birthday party, since I owe most of what happened to #2 anyway. But you know how I love my lists:

• Crabby Cakes: Thank Wein you didn't bring those out at the bar. I would have been mortified. But for anyone who doesn't know, crab cakes are cupcake tops, covered with red icing, with licorice legs and hot lips claws. They were delicious. Except the one that i knocked on the floor. It was a little hairy.
• Killer Koolaid: I remember Dennis screaming, "Oh God no! Not tequila." And I remember thinking it was a good plan to see who could drink the KK the fastest. After that I remember very little.
• The rules: framed and on fancy paper. You confused the whole world with it. It is on my book shelf in London. I look at it every time I get lonely for you.
• The hat: how could anyone ever forget it was my birthday? Do you have any pictures? There is only one way to relay this point properly, and that is definitely with a picture. At least Tobin gave me points for wearing it the whole night.
• Sippy cup: the bartender wanted to give me one because I kept spilling my drinks. She gave me a free shot instead though...it seems counterintuitive.
• The DD: all my love to Dave because there would have been no party without his cooperation. There would be no Dave if there was no you, Jean. So you get props for the DD bit too.
• Way to make me cry: I went almost four straight months without a weepy drinking night. You show up and I start crying like the world is caving beneath my feet. Actually, I seem to remember vaguely believing that it was. The end was near. I could feel it.

I don't know, Jean. This one doesn't seem to do adequate justice to you and your ways, but I don't know what else to say. Every day of the summer was the same. I called you, you got up. We went to Second Cup. I had to have you home by a certain time so that you could see your lover and so that I wouldn't be late for work. Now I don't see you anymore. I just sit alone in my bedroom in London, listening to PUSA and thinking about the good old days. And I genuinely believe that everyone wants to be just like me....I'm naked and famous.