The Snap

I told you it was coming...

I've done everything I can. I walked. I read. I studied. I wrote. I kept going. I stopped. I slept. I stayed up. I listened to my heart. I ignored my heart. I cried. I quit. I started over. And nothing helps.

I realized this when I was walking to the drug store the other night--freaking out because it was dark and my mom has managed to convince me that bad things happen when the sun goes down. I wasn't concerned about being attacked--I have no money. I didn't think I would be raped--my winter garb is neither that flattering nor that infuriating (because I still haven't decided whether I really believe that rapes are crimes of anger not passion). Nope. I was blissfully convinced that some unseen car was going to splatter my insides on the pavement, and my untimely demise would haunt some careless driver for the rest of his or her days.

How did I lose tomorrow at one am today? How did I get so lost? I drew the map myself.

But I kept going. And there was no disaster. I picked up things I wanted to buy, then put them down because I couldn't afford them. I tried to find some epsom salts. I made faces at the make-up mirrors and the price of mascara. It's really outrageous you know. And then I remembered that Jean should be getting home from work by then. And Jean always knows how to make me feel better. Jean and Kahlua...

At one am today, I crawled inside my own soul; I drew the map myself, but left it on my dresser.

I stopped at Wendy's having remembered that food was one of those annoying necessities and that I hate to cook. I tried to be pleasant. I smiled at the girl who took my order. She scowled back at me and reminded me of my sister. I love Wendy's because all of the workers are so dedicated to their specialties. The guy with the headset on stood there looking at me while he yelled, "Front cash! Hello! Front cash!!" And then he apologized to me. I couldn't figure out whether he was apologizing for yelling in my face or refusing to push the buttons on the cash register.

I crawled inside my own soul and started looking for the key. I'd left it on my dresser now I'm locked in, home alone, and no one's looking for me.

Back at the apartment, Amanda gave me slightly baffled looks the way she often does when I decide to do weird things like go out walking alone in the dark. At least I didn't come back with ice cream. I commend myself for that. She said that Jean had called back, so I got all excited and called Jean to tell her all my woes. It was one of those awkward moments where I realized that all the things I'd been fussing about earlier were no longer very relevant. That happens often when one has a panic attack and bursts into tears on the bus.

Have you started looking for the key? Or will you just leave me here? Locked in, home alone and no one's looking for me. Maybe I should just stop breathing...

Jean was full of stories for me. Stories of great grief and enlightenment. Stories about work. And decisions. I love how Jean always decides something in the middle of a sentence and all I can do is agree...even if her decision is implausible. IE: We need Second Cup. Well, yea...we always need Second Cup...but you're in one city and I'm in another...So now I have a coffee date planned a whole week in advance and I can pretty much be sure that it will continue for at least two weeks after that. Do you know what else we decided? We love elipses...because this way...we never have to finish any of our thoughts...isn't that ponderous? I think it might just be...

Will you just leave me here? Maybe I won't care. Maybe I should just stop breathing. Maybe I should give up forever.

But it didn't end there. Jean's insights carried me through to the next morning (mostly because I called her again when I woke up. She was called away from the phone rather hurriedly by nature). She taught me a whole bunch of exciting things that I can't wait to do the next time I find my way to the liquor cabinet...Such as the magic trick where you get a string to stick to an ice cube with salt...and then you get to eat the ice cube. Wowee I know.

Maybe I won't care if it makes any difference to you. Maybe I should give up; or wait another hour.

Jean's advice has done little to help my current disposition, however. I'm still here. And I'm back where I started. Luckily I shouldn't have any more bus breakdowns for at least a few days because I have no intention of riding it. Well, I'm going to take it to Chapters tomorrow, but that's a happy trip so I will do my best to keep the tears at bay.

If it makes any difference to you, you make all the difference to me. And I'll wait one more hour until time give up on me.

I'll keep walking. I'll read. I'll write. I'll pace. I'll sit. I'll stare. I'll study. I'll eat. I'll breathe. I'll listen to my heart. I'll ignore my heart. I'll keep believing it'll get better some day. Because anything has got to be better than this. I don't know anything yet. I won't give up until I know everything. Even if knowing everything means there is nothing to know at all...until then I will know I've done everything I can. I have walked. I have read. I have studied. I have written. I have kept going. I have stopped. I have slept. I have stayed up. I have listened to my heart. I have ignored my heart. I have cried. I have quit. I have started over. And nothing helps. But maybe help isn't what we need once we've snapped.

And after I snapped, I made a new blog at 3 in the a.m. called "Iris in Exile": http://irisinexile.blogspot.com There's a story behind that name...you'll have to ask if you want to hear it.