Today I am all wet. Soaked, head to foot. I hit the snooze button twice because there is no sense in drying your hair when it's pouring rain. Tired too? How'd you guess. But today, we're going to find reasons to smile, even though it's raining; to smile, even though it's Tuesday. We're going to smile because I'm too wet to start leaking from my eyes.
True Love and Thank You Cards
I'm in love with some guy from United Furniture Warehouse on Wellington. He doesn't know I love him, but that hasn't stopped me before. After travelling far (and I mean far) and wide (I never understood what that had to do with anything) in search of the PERFECT chair for Alycia, we arrived at the United Furniture Warehouse. Here, we realized that most of our philandering up to that point was a waste . The Brick's dumping ground, as it turns out, doesn't need to have sales because their prices are better than sale prices--but they still have sales. We wandered into the back room and found a couple reasonable, quite nice (but not perfect) chairs and even a few chair + ottoman sets (very important to us). After we decided that all the chairs were starting to feel exactly the same, we wandered back out to the showroom, where we met the newest love of my life.
I don't know his name. I don't even remember what he looked like, but he is the nicest person I had talked to all day, and he won my heart almost immediately. Instead of turning his nose up at us for trying to find less expensive, individual pieces, or trying to convince us that ugly uncomfortable chairs were neither ugly nor uncomfortable, he asked us if we'd snooped into the employees only section of the back room. When we adamantly denied even thinking of such a thing, he took us back there. Alycia sat down in the ugliest chair known to man (but it was cheap) and the guy said something along the lines of, "Well, that certainly is funky isn't it?" and then laughed at me when I tried really hard not to speak my mind (I know: for a change). Of course, the chair that Alycia liked was a bit on the pricey side, but that happens. I want to go back and give him a thank you card so that he knows I appreciate his existence. Fact is, I would have probably bought something just so that he could feel good about himself, but I didn't have my wallet. I think a thank you card would do the same thing, for about .03% of the price.
Uninvited
Do you remember that really bad Alanis Morrisette song from the City of Angels? I remember my friend's cheesy rendition when she was in a fight with someone from school and wanted to tell her not to come to her birthday party any more. "But you...you're disinvited..." Ouch. It hurts just thinking about it.
Jeff showed up unannounced Friday night and guess what--I wasn't home. He wanted me to come out with him and his friend, but that was nearly impossible. So he went and met up with Clayton and Ryan downtown anyway. Ran through a car wash. Evading some fees. Slept on my couch then went home in the morning. Weirdo.
Delayed RSVP
About ten years ago I invited Rory Burns to London. He's coming next week. We're going to raise quite a bit of hell. I can't wait. It would all be perfect, and I would have nothing else to say, except...why doesn't HE have to go to school?? I always have to go to school--12 hours a week!! This time, I am telling you right now, I will actually not recover from a broken heart if you let me down again, Burns. I will be dead. For good. I mean it.
Math Junkie
Telus might not want me, but I don't want Telus anymore. I applied for a position at the Millenium Research Group in Toronto. They want to make sure I'm not lying to them about my wonderfulness, so they have invited me down to their office to show off my skills. Actually, they are going to subject me to an hour long test in which I will have to prove my written and mathematical/analytical skills. I mean, clearly, I will have no trouble with the geometry or the finite, but what if I forget how to formulate a proper sentence?? I'll be screwed. And maybe dead. For good. I mean it.
The scariest part about applying for a job like this is that even though I'm confident that I'm competant enough to attend to the mathematical aspect, I can't help but wonder what kind of lowly and floundering company would want me to work for them? What kind of crazy person would offer someone like me a job?
If All Else Fails
Brand new decision: if I fail to find employment at least I will be able to finally get to work putting my million words into my own Erin-thesaurus. Yay, a project for post-grad. Do you think I could convince someone that is a relevant thesis for a masters programme? "I'm going to catelogue all the words floating around in my brain." I think they would think I'm crazy.
Scathing Wit
You could make me so happy if you would read over my book review for MIT. I know that Weapons of Mass Distortion isn't up everyone's alley, but if you enjoy my scathing wit you might find something to like in my piece. I spend about 100 words wondering how in the world lying about the existence of weapons that could (and will) kill us all can be equated to lying about having an extramarital affair. Clinton lied under oath is the apparent difference. So say what you want until you put you right hand on that bible--the cons take that shit right serious.
I wanted to include the word defenetre, but since I'm lazy about french accents it probably won't work.
My wit is bound to cause me more grief soon though. I have been really good lately and I don't know how much longer I can hold out before it comes out in one evil torrent of rage. Oh, it'll be a torrent all right.
Keep Smiling
The longer you hold on, the more likely you are to witness the torrent. That's a promise. So hang in there old chum, the best is yet to come.
1 comment:
The exact same amount as ever, dear. Exactly the same amount.
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