21 Things that Baffle My Small Brain

Please explain them to me!!

1. Shakespeare's Coriolanus. Why is it allowed? Why is it so boring? Why does anyone even pretend to like it.
2. The trans-everything in Orlando by Virginia Woolf. Is she a woman, or a man? A (wo)man? How could a modern woman have such post-modern ideas?
3. Why did Virginia Woolf go and kill herself? If writing was so so so depressing, why wouldn't she just stop? Just stop already. If you hate something, don't freaking do it.
4. This quote by Nina Burleigh, reprinted in Weapons of Mass Distortion: "I would be happy to give [Clinton] a blow job just to thank him for keeping abortion legal. I think American women should be lining up with their presidential kneepads on to show their gratitude for keeping the theocracy off our backs" (Bozell 144). Are you freaking kidding me?? I don't even know where to start.
5. The chutnification of history in Midnight's Children.
6. Do I care about the chutnification of history in Midnight's Children?
7. What would Nietzsche have to say about all of this? He already told me God is dead, but he told me nothing about chutney!
8. How can an apology ever be proceeded by a "but"?
9. What in the heck is wrong with my tummy? I think I'm going to be sick again...
10. Civil war during the partition of India. If it makes you happy, then why the hell do you look so sad? And if it makes you happy, then why do you have to massacre each other? PS What were those damn Brits thinking, stirring up all that hate?
11. Partial birth abortion aka third trimester abortion. And why Bozell has to describe it so brutishly. If a baby born after only 5 months can live, don't you think we're capable of understanding that final trimester abortion is grueling?
12. Liberal media bias. Everyone who disagrees with you is liberal when you are a conservative? Am I wrong? If you're talking about political issues? Have a missed something?
13. Why are the things that taste so good, the one's I'm not supposed to eat?
14. Why 17 is minor, and 18 major--but not major enough to know how to handle booze.
15. Why was the 5 hour yarn event such a flop?
16. Why haven't I taken down the poster for the 5 hour yarn event?
17. Little Miss Sunshine is the best movie ever. Why isn't everyone watching it all the time?
18. Jackass 2. Moreover, leeches attached to eyeballs and snake bitten, sock covered penises. Why is that so hilarious? I almost peed.
19. Anyone who has seen Jackass 2 more than once. You're sick.
20. Why I'm writing a blog instead of reading.
21. Why I have a bookmark with Just as I Am printed on it. And why that song makes me feel all warm on the inside.

Do you know what the number one thing I don't understand is though? I don't understand why you ever bothered to read that list, knowing full well that I am sitting here at my computer lamenting the limits of my small brain. Tell me I'm a genius already! Man alive, how many hints do I need to give you before you realize I am in desparate need of an esteem boost? I'll be here: Just as I am, though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt.