Boredom Busters

You all are driving me crazy. Me, with 40 pages of just thesis to write over the next couple of weeks, you complaining that you've got nothing to do--you're bored? Well, here it is then, a list of things you can do for me to keep yourself occupied.

1. Find me a job. My freak phone interview was not so hot and I'm looking for something a little closer to home, since the most advice I can get on the age old transportation question is: "You can buy or lease a car." Wow, Dad. No wonder Ford is going to shit. People like him are running the place.
2. Read Midnight's Children for me and take notes on the following broad topics: performativity, identity, nationhood, history, and language. DON'T HIGHLIGHT THE WHOLE BOOK. I could do that myself.
3. Develop a coke habit. Okay, so this wouldn't really help me out. But you might be out of my hair for a while as you struggle with your addiction. Peace. At last. Until the intervention.
4. Help me develop this theory about where people sit on the bus. Can you tell me why some people stand even though there are several seats? Why I always get asked to make space when my bag weighs about 60 pounds? Why does anyone under the age of 60 in excellent physical health ever sit in those front seats reserved for seniors and people with physical disabilities? HUH? How about this: why do some people sit way closer to you than they have to? Why doesn't anyone ever move back as far as they can when the bus is packed? Are people actually afraid of the back of the bus like Rosa Parks was?
   
5. Do some research on Thomas Heywood's theories about comedy or read All's Well that Ends Well and tell me how it unsettles the notion of comedic resolution.
6. Sing me a song. Not everything has to be difficult. I could use some entertainment every now and then. Be prepared though, I will almost definitely end up telling you that I hope you die. You can hope we both die. I won't mind.
7. Tell me why I'm supposed to feel bad about eating ice cream. Think on it for a while because you will have to be damn convincing. I don't want to hear any of this "but it's cold outside" bullshit. Real reasons. Tell me how fat I am. Tell me it's killing my insides. Tell me it's too expensive. Tell me something I don't know.
8. Figure out what the ties between identity and place are. Can you change your identity just because you change the place you've been sitting for the last twenty minutes? Because you move from the place you lived for the last 20 years? Can you transform yourself like Saleem did during the Bangladesh war? I think I'm going to switch between first and third person for a while. Talk about myself like she is someone I don't know all that well. Retarded.
9. Go to Antigua. Take a copy of A Small Place on your trip and tell me how the locals reacted when you offered to fix up their library. That is all I want to do after rereading that book--build them a nice new library, or fix up their old one. Fucking earthquakes are even worse than imperialists.
   
10. Try to get your few remaining friends to give up on trying to save you. Start with me. I'm sick of the lot of you.
11. Don't be one of the dumb few that forgives me. (Can you tell I'm listening to that song right now? I hope you lie and tell everyone I was a good wife...)
12. Get a job and start sending me money in the mail. I think if I think about it for long enough you will probably do it for me. It worked for Jeff, he didn't do a single thing and Georgian sent him 1500 bucks in the mail. Now he can do even less.
13. Come up with a scientifically valid argument that proves the number thirteen is actually unlucky. Or lucky. I don't want you to prove that superstition is stupid. I want you to prove it makes sense. That should take a while.
14. Figure out how to excuse the worst thing you've ever done and the worst thing that you ever saw someone doing. Prepare a speech about it. Prove you are a better person for doing that terrible thing.
15. Argue with someone for over a half an hour about which shade of blue the sky is today. If it's cloudy, argue about which shade of blue you think it is beneath (above?) the clouds. Obviously, I will need a typed account of this for my records.
    
16. Hang out with someone and do nothing but look into their eyes. Don't stop until you're in love.
17. Go to the World's Biggest Bookstore and make a list of at least 20 books I would love to have. Buy them for me.
18. Determine the cure for insanity. Go insane and test it for me.
19. Paint your nails the darkest shade of red you can find. Work hard to find out what people say about it without saying a word. Stick your hand in front of the faces of cashiers, doctors, dentists...do something interesting that would make me proud to know you. This plan is that much better if you never wear nail polish.
    
20. Join the Polar Bear Club. Then you can be depressed that the ice caps are melting. Awww, poor little guy. No more hypothermia for you freaks. Polar bears are actually crazy for the extent that they need to stay cool. I did a project on it once in grade 10 (and incidentally cried through the presentation) and found out that even in the freaking tundra they roll around in the snow because they are ridiculously hot. People in the Polar Bear Club aren't really like that though...they just turn blue.
21. Find Shane's keys. Seriously I don't know where they went.
22. Convince your best friend and your worst enemy to do at least 5 things on this list. Take pictures. Use them for blackmail purposes, or just for kicks. I will need at least one copy.
    
23. Try sleeping upside down on your bed (head where your feet usually go) but don't change the sheets to make it work, wrap them around you still tucked in. You will get more sleep I guarantee it. More sleep equals less time awake equals less time to be bored.
24. Record your dreams in the smallest notebook you can find (use one book per dream) and then in the biggest notebook you can find, writing with the biggest pen or pencil you can find, turn your dreams into novels. Read them for me and tell me what I need to know to have you committed.
25. Drink some... I don't care what you drink. I suggest avoiding rye though. Tummy killer. Death. I mean it just avoid that stuff.
26. Contact Ryan Brady. He is just fun. You don't have to do it for me. Do it for you. He will make you laugh.

Good luck, weiners and weinists. Make me proud and let me get this crap taken care of. Clearly I don't need to take much time thinking of ways to keep you occupied--just the hour I was supposed to spend researching for 2 of my 4 essays. Brilliant. Have a good weekend.