So, this is March

Just like Hostile Wednesdays, March has a flavour all its own. Stronger than bitterness but certainly no sweeter, March brings the kind of misery that most people manage to forget over the course of the other eleven months. So, in case you were wondering, it's not just you--March really sucks. Here's some sure fire ways to tell that you have a case of the Marches (which are at least as bad as the Februaries):

• Reading Week is over, and somehow you're further behind than before you got that extra week for catching up.
• You're running out of things to clean. Everything is immaculate.
• You consider calling home as a "break" in your studying.
• Essay due dates are so close you could reach out and touch them; you recoil in terror instead.
• When you see snow outside, you want to cry and you're disgusted that you ever regretted that you didn't get to have a white Christmas.
• You start cutting deals with yourself. Think: if I go to half of my classes today, I can watch 15 minutes of tv before I fall asleep reading. (Or my personal favourite: If I go to half my classes I can have a drink when I get home and not do any reading tonight. If I go to ALL my classes today I can get loaded and play Mario Party til I pass out. True story.)
• You miss November. After all, Christmas was coming and those classes you had last term weren't nearly as hard as the one's you have this term.
• You've learned how to multitask so well that the other night you accidentally ate the pencil you were writing your outline with while you researched another paper and tried to fit in at least one well rounded meal of cheesies and diet coke. The "diet" part is key.
• Half the people around you are on Weight Watchers so they can fit into their itsy bitsies. You lost your itsy bitsy in a freak wakeboarding incident last summer and never want to go to the beach again. At least that's the excuse you use.
• You cringe at the thought of raising your head to see the clock and realize just how late you are for your third class of the day.
• When you found out that someone else has been accepted into a summer internship you thought back fondly of your last summer job. And you sigh because it was the worst torture of your life, but you miss it.

And since I'm known all over the world for my ability to spread positivity, I'll add my tips for getting through March:

• Break up your readings and do a little bit each day. You'll catch up. I swear.
• Now that things are clean, you can concentrate. Otherwise, make a mess and tidy it up. It'll make you feel so much better.
• Start emailing your parents instead. Parental emails will make you laugh. A lot. "I am a director." Right, Jenn?
• Make outlines for your essays. Make them detailed enough that all you have to do is add words like "of" and "the". When you still haven't hit your word limit by a couple of pages go through and add words like "positively" and "by no means". If even that doesn't work, reverse every belief you ever held about wordiness.
• Make a snow angel. Take a picture of it and the look on your face when you realized it was snowing again (or how horrible you would imagine it looked) and post them side by side on your wall so you never forget the horror you felt over "snow? in MARCH??".
• Make the deals well worth your while. When you realize that you're doing it uncontrollably or subconsciously, up the the stakes. Think: for every hour of studying you get done on Thursday you can spend 2 additional dollars on alcohol for Friday and Saturday night. Making the deals relative to specific amounts is essential.
• Make a list of the major projects you had in November and complement it with a list of reasons Christmas didn't live up to your expectations over the course of your entire life. Dig deep. Don't forget to include the first time you realized that SC thing was nothing but a hoax.
• Don't get carried away multitasking. Make time for the necessities--like food. Schedule everything and read over your schedule for a laugh before you go to sleep each night.
• When those Weight Watching people try to tell you how bad your cheeseburger is for you, ask for the stats. Listen carefully. Half of my fibre points for the day?? Eat twice as much and chalk it up to a fast metabolism. Never let the truth get in the way of your happiness.
• Set your alarm and turn the clock around when you go to sleep each night. You'll stop watching it and get to sleep faster. Avoid sleeping pills; you never know when you're going to have a desire to wash them all down with that bottle of vodka sitting in your window sill just to make the Marches end.
• Make a list of people you blame for making your life so miserable that you miss your summer job. Blame everyone from your noisy roommates to that guy with the bright red hat. What was he thinking?? It is SO red!! Remember: everyone is out to get you. Even your mom.

How positive and life-affirming was that? If all else fails, just quit. I mean it. Quit. Don't be a halfway quitter though; those people really get under my skin. You know the ones I mean. Some Goo for the road?? It wouldn't feel right to leave it out.

I'm talking to myself again I'll just start a fight. Nobody can prove me wrong--I'm right. Anti-hero idol with a suicide excuse. A thousand other suckers will try and fill your shoes. I ain't the only one to say: Little pictures in my head, Turning inside out again, Cause fucking up takes practice I feel I'm well rehearsed; Because the past is a bully and the futures even worse, You tell me what you fear cause I can feel it like a curse. Well, you used to be a folk singer now you're just a joke singer, Ain't no smoking dope singer swinging from a rope singer.

I ain't the only one.

Last Post Before the Big Slack

Slack week starts tomorrow at two...or earlier, we'll just have to wait and see for that one. At any rate, we can all hope I come back with a bit more work done, and a bit less bitterness. I may be hostile but I still believe in the power of hope...useless as it may actually be. Maybe someday I'll learn how to post pictures on this thing and we can all be penetrated by Jenn's powerful eyes, eh? EH?? The ornaments look pretty but they're pulling down the branches of the tree...
Shane starts his new job on Monday, and before long he'll have fully abandoned me for better things and brighter goals (i.e. fixing his uncles toilet and making money for new tires). Count on me being more dependent than normal with less to divert my attention. But, who knows, maybe I'll be more studious too.
Jennifer named her cactus Stupid Prickly Face a.k.a. Eleanor because she so rudely kept me from my true love by refusing to open the door--an eye for an eye.
The whole world is in more trouble with me than any single person could handle, but you know that means it's just gonna get together and take me out. The scariest unity prospect so far has been Lyndsay and Jenn with their communist revolution to the stars (even though the stars are blah blah bourgeousie blah blah). Which brings us to Arnold.
Sweetness and light, nothing but sweetness and light. Arnold was great because he was an optimistic people-hater...like the purple people eater, but more conservative. I love my notes: culture should ignore the bad stuff and focus on the positive--the religious view of culture as the fulfillment of God's law and spiritualization. Adjs for Arnold: idealist, misogynist, racist, conservative. Sounds like quite a shoe if you ask me...but you probably wouldn't.
Just in case I come back bitter as ever, don't give up on me. If I'm really mad you'll never know it. Have a good break, but only if you're willing to wish me the same.
Some goo for the road: You say you got no faith in things that you can't see. Well, I'm sorry I ain't there with you but you ain't here with me. And everything's wrong, but it's all right.

You Know it's Wednesday When...

All right, I promise I will eventually get off this hw thing, but I don't seem to make time for this thing on any other day. I'm busting out the rum in about twenty minutes once my coke has had a chance to CHill, then I'm going to kiss HW goodbye for another week. That said, I'm still not particularly pleased with life, but I'll try to keep the bitterness to something like 9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10 instead of the usual 355 000.

Unfortunately, I don't have anything worthwhile to put down here because somebody (cough*JEAN*cough) left my rules of weinism in Burlington. I could try to go from memory, but it probably wouldn't have the same effect. Just keep doing your best to dodge the Dodges and take a bitter pill once a week.

Tomorrow's a big day: I have a resume presentation AND I'm helping out at the SDC booth at the job fair for an hour. Just for that, they're giving me a $15 meal card. I said it before and I'll say it again: I'm gonna buy SO much gum!

You know it's Wednesday when I'm calculating the vindictiveness of the bus driver based on his position at the stop light. True story. If the bus is stopped at the very front of the line at the stop light s/he is doing it just to torture those kids on the corner who simply cannot make it to the stop on the other side before the bus. Moreover, s/he is ALWAYS shaking his/her head at that poor kid who just wants to hop on while the bus is stopped. It's a terrible conspiracy. Just terrible.

Second sign of Wednesday is the look on my face when the phone rings at 9 am. Every one is out to get me. No one wants me to be happy or well rested.

The third sign is obviously the martini glass of rum and coke. I wouldn't set my watch by it, but you probably could.

So, keep the whining and the cheap shots coming. You're just fueling my HW spirit. NB: Jenn's coming over to the dark side too. Today she not only called me fat, but a terrible, terrible person!

Hostile Wednesday: Take Two

FYI: The rules of Weinism should be up by Tuesday or sooner. It's all on Jean. Find the rules!

Hostile Wednesay the third edition turned out a bit better than the second. After a rum and coke or five I chilled out a bit and came to these conclusions:

• the martini glasses are so cool that I will never be square again
• I always pick the wrong weekend to go home
• hostile Wednesdays should become a national holiday (or at least a campus wide one We SUC, right?)
• The Wizard of Oz is better in colour
• people who don't understand me never will
• the weathernetwork does drugs: clear fog??
• the best part of any day is when it's over
• blame is the name of the game on HW
• plagarism breeds fear and it doesn't matter whether you're guilty or not
• the american idiots are coming to London on my anniversary awwwwwww
• people just don't appreciate me the way they should
• what the world needs now is GOO not love
• everything's wrong...but it's alright

That's the end of that. Til next week...

An Ode to Hostile Wednesdays

Top Reasons to Leave Hostile Wednesdays the Way they Were Found:

• Bitterness is contagious, like mono. And I have both.
• Litotes rules, but bad stuff really isn't all that nice. (BTW, litotes is the English Lit term for understandment [**understatement, sorry.]. English kids are nerdy. Sorry, I just can't stop.)
• Throwing things is fun.
• My pouty face is the cutest face I can make.
• Hostile Wednesdays are the driving force behind this blog, and bitterness is the driving force behind my life.
• I have no solution to the sound of this pollution in me. But whatta you got to move you darlin'? (you should answer: why, you, of course!)

Top Reasons NOT to Change Hostile Wednesdays

• I will have fewer opportunities to threaten to defenetre everything you own.
• I will have fewer reasons to threaten people in general.
• This stuff has got to come out somehow...
• It's my favourite day to listen to Goo.
• If I'm gonna vent about the deflowering of innocent young males at strip clubs, or the generally idiocy of the opposite sex, wouldn't you rather I get it all off my chest once every week than once every hour?
• You love the pout.
• It's the only day that listening to depressing and angry music is truly acceptable.

This one fits both headings, and obviously there's some overlap it just depends on whether you like the word "not" or...well, you know--

If I'm not hostile on Wednesdays, I will be hostile all the time. That's right: ALL THE TIME.

So quit bringing me real things to be upset about and let me get back to my rant about bus drivers and my general dislike for people. Oh, that's an order.

Here We Go Again

I'll start this one off by responding to the latest comment to my only other post. JACS, we all know who you are...I haven't added censor to my list yet, but it has a lot of perks of its own. I love the idea of telling people what they can and cannot know/see/do, so it's kind of perfect for me. I think it falls under a famous tshirt quote "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." Government workers do well for themselves to begin with, so why not join the CRTC and make a living out of this censorship thing? You've got me. It's probably the best idea you didn't come up with. As for the roommate imitating, I don't need to act like you girls to be HAWT--I'm way past that by now. Read that how you will. And finally, why advise you when I already have political aspirations of my own?? You can be the phone book carrier if you want, and I'll give you a small budget (100 m. sound ok?) to fund this communist revolution you keep going on about.

Here's a few more career goals I'm working on:

• UWO Bureaucrat: Okay, so everyone who works here from the residence staff to the dean of admissions falls under this category, but I've got my eye on a particular position that involves denying the acceptance of emails, talking in tight circles and calling people by the wrong name. (PS I bet it's the same person who mailed Katrina's acceptance to the wrong house...)
  
• Bus driver: Why be safe when you're driving a bus packed tighter than those metamucil fibre pills through a campus of the future leaders of the country? You've got me. Besides, if I'm bigger AND slower than everyone else on the road, I'm bound to get some respect. Respect is so key.
  
• Truth Fabricator: This covers the map pretty well, and the next time someone asks me what I want to do after school, this is probably the answer I'll give. If you can think of a profession, I can tell you how it fits. Try it, I dare you.
  
• Professional Thinker: I might get wrinkles sooner from scrunching up my face while I contemplate, but I need to add a few years to my baby face anyway.
  
• Negative Nelly: I can and will find the bad in any thing at any time. That's a challenge.

To sum up, this bitter stuff isn't going anywhere, but at least I'm finding some direction for my life.

My Career Path

Naturally, I decided to follow my heart where my career is concerned. So, I'm going to let spite guide me into the sinister core of the "real" world. It follows that I have chosen several careers that lack any connection to one another, or the many things that I humbly label, "my strengths."

And here's the list of the jobs I want to have at some point before I die:

• Professor of English (or an equally subjective course): I just love the idea of pulling marks out of a big box labelled "Students are Stupid". Come on, you know that's what they do.
• Editor of a Cultural Studies Textbook: Who needs to know: how to punctuate things properly or avoid wordiness, that is, the use of too many words, when they are editting a book that is by no means intended to be understood? I do love a challenge.
• Politician: I've got liar written all over me, and I think it would be fun to hire someone just to carry the phonebooks to all of my speeches so I can see over the podium. Oh, and I want to pass one of those crazy laws. I think I'll make a law banning sex on the Sabbath or something. Wouldn't that be exciting?
• Professional Mattress Tester: This one has been my dream since grade 10 Careers. Get paid? To sleep? Wow. (Too bad about the insomnia...)
• Weinist Missionary to Mongolia: Just because it's random.

Any other ideas? I'm sure the list will just keep getting bigger. Let me know if I missed anything. I always miss things.