Teach a Cynic to Cope

Or, All the Reasons that You Should Stop Encouraging My Pitiful existence

Holy Hostile Wednesday...except that it's Thursday now. Guess what. The sentiment can last as long as I remain sober past midnight (it's the newest rule of Weinism). So, following the tradition that I have laid out in HWs of yore, I'm here to tell you that life should be so much shorter than it is--at least my life should be. So, you taught me how to cope, with such nuggets of wisdom (aphorisms, says Professor Adams) as: Dr. Rut's Rules for Coping with Modern Sexuality: Ensure your partner's comfort; no Mohawk styles for pubic hair, and many more.

Wow. Now, was that really a good idea? Did it really facilitate the sentiments that the world needs to live as peaceably as possible? Pfft. All the pacifists are dead or powerless anyway. So, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and come up with some excellent reasons for teaching this cynic to cope:

1. You love me. Admit it. I'm lovable. You may not want to, but you can't help it.
2. By teaching me to cope as a cynic, you can still laugh at my self-deprecating jokes (Oh, goody).
3. You thrive on my sarcasm. Not to mention my overflow of spontaneous feelings. Most of those feelings aren't that fun for me. But anything to make the rest of the world a happier place...
4. You would forget to be hostile on Wednesdays without my leadership. In case you forgot why HWs are so important, you can quickly remind yourself by reading the rest of this blog. I can also sum it up in a few words: Because I like them and they end with rum. NB: I said end with rum not end with "rum". I am actually opposed to most words that end that way.
5. Your life would be so pleasant without my demeaning comments that you would be bored out of your skull. And that would hurt. Hurt is bad.
6. The book only cost one person one dollar, and was printed before I was out of diapers. Plus, it's good nighttime reading for me. Gives me a really bright outlook that leads to a wholesome night's sleep. I awaken inspired by the dawn of a new day. Actually, there is so much more to this coping business than the book, but who has the time? Not I, says the pig.

Oh, but wait. The subscript says that I'm not going to conclude that I should not be encouraged to keep breathing. You know what that means. Here are the reasons that I should just quit:

1. I always say I'm going to quit and never do. Actually, I found a book called "Quitting for Non-quitters", maybe someone should buy that for me to counteract all this coping I've been doing.
2. The world loves a loser and shuns a winner. Just think about how American Idol runner-ups do in comparison to the winners. There's no difference. Pop stars suck. But I'm still right. I'm infallible after all.
3. I always wanted to publish something post-humously. So, here's the plan: I'll write a whole bunch of insightful things, and "hide" them. Then I'll die. I'll give the directions to my hidden insights to one person who I trust more than anyone in the whole world, and that person will have them published. Got it? Good, you're that person. If you steal my insights I'll haunt the hell out of you and once I've obtained that hell from inside you I'll torture you with it. Now that's a plan.
4. It's late and I'm tired. Something tells me that should be reason enough.
5. People are worthless. That is to say, life has no meaning. We're just specks, right? Stupid, insignificant specks. Well, not according to Emerson. To him we are the centre of everything. Go, Emerson. Woot. What an idiot. Nietzsche was right-- people are pompous.
6. It's all going to end horribly. Let's get this over with as soon as possible. Actually, for the sake of saving time, I prefer the acronym: Let's get this over with ASAP. Better yet: now.
7. The big circle that isn't that big. If this makes sense, you're on your way to ruin with me. The theory of history that predominated before modernization took place and the linear progress model was adapted (holy way to oversimplify, but stick with me) suggested that history was bound to repeat itself because time was cyclical. Moreover, the social makeup was based on the same cyclical model, and the people on the bottom eventually rose to the top, so the people on the top inevitably fell to the bottom (If you want to understand this better read some Frye. He's a "good" Canadian literary theorist who says that all relevant plots are based on this movement. Most people talk about this stuff in terms of "the Wheel of Fate/Fortune". Not the game show. Don't get me started on Vanna). Well, I think that the circle of time isn't all that big, so certain people spend more time on the bottom, even if they rise to the top, especially if they started on the bottom. Literature conveniently focuses on the uprising of an oppressed group (in comedy) or the downfall of a self-righteous upperclass (in tragedy) but forgets that there tends to be a whole lot of time on either side of the span of the plot. Literature gets to forget. I can't. Either the circle isn't that big, or it's really huge so I'll always be stuck to the bottom...crushed. Poor, poor me.
8. I really want to be part of the group that proves the linear progress model is wrong. If I don't cope, I won't progress. If I don't progress then the model doesn't apply to me. If the model doesn't apply to me, then clearly the whole thing is stupid. I am the centre of everything, so I am a force to be reckoned with. I love inductive reasoning. The sky's the limit when you can reach the conclusion by any means necessary.

Convinced? Well, the final reason is the simplest to accept. Teaching me to cope means listening to me complain...at least for a few extra days. There's a strange irony in winning this one: Either you don't let me have my way and I am forced to keep on coping, or my victory is my demise. Tricky, eh? That's me. Always thinking. Way too much. Hope I didn't throw you for too much of a loop with that Frye junk. More tasteless banter to come. I'll leave you with a short poem to sum up:

Grumpty Dumpty:

Grumpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Grumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All of the day

And all through the night

He bitched!

--Courtesy of The Cynics Guide to Coping with Life. Copyright Eden Press 1987. Notorious for making the whole world feel better about the horrible gifts they've given and received.