The End Game

Good conversationalists know exactly how to get a conversation started and how to keep it interesting. Great conversationalists know how to bring and interesting conversation to a screeching halt without a moments notice.

I was watching an old episode of the Gilmore Girls the other night: Rory's roommate started spewing out random facts she had memorized to make starting and carrying on a conversation easier. This may or may not have been the same episode where Rory tells her date about urine mints. Either way, I've started doing some thinking on the topic and I've made a decision. It is much more important to know how to end a conversation than to learn how to start one. Every body else in the world is concentrating on learning to make small talk at parties and how to come across genuinely and affectionately within the right boundaries of societal norms, so the chance that you will actually find yourself in an uncomfortable situation where the talk just won't start is slim to none. You can confidently leave that to the rest of the world.

Ending a boring conversation, especially when you're really busy, is way harder than starting a boring conversation when you have the time to do it. Here are some tried and true methods, passed on throughout the generations:

• "Well, I won't keep you any longer. I know you've got lots to do." My mom's favourite thing to say to relatives who are keeping her tied up on the phone...literally because our cordless phones never work properly. She shouldn't have ever said it to me though. It's become my staple phrase to use on her when I have essays to write or books to read.
• "I'm really sorry, ___. I've got to get this roast out of the oven." Another method that works better on the phone than in person.
• "You'll have to excuse me, I just need to use the ladies room." No one ever comes back after that one. Stop waiting.

But ending a boring conversation is still not much of a challenge. The fact is, if you are that bored talking to the person you probably don't care if you hurt their feelings a little. What's harder is ending a conversation with someone you actually enjoy talking to, and doing it in a way that makes them leave you alone for quite some time. Try these:

• "Get the hell out. I have to study." I call this the tactful method. You might call it blunt.
• "Look, over there! A thirty foot snake is eating a kangaroo!" The crocodile hunter method. A personal favourite.
• "Is that your phone ringing?" The power of suggestion at work.
• "I have got the worst gas from dinner." Eww. I never use this one, but it works really well for guys because other guys just laugh and take a hint (most of the time) and girls don't stick around to find out if it's true.
• "Talking to you is like eating diuretics." A really bizarre twist on the old favourite, courtesy of JH.
• Just stop talking. Turn around. Stare blankly ahead. It's really confusing but as long as you persist it should work.
• "How dare you insult me in my home!" This works especially well if a) you are not in your home or b) you just received a compliment.
• "For the love of Peter and his starving children, why won't you just go home." This works especially well if whoever you're talking to is home...then you get to yell "THEN LEAVE!!"
• Start talking about your schoolwork or job in detail. Make shit up if it helps. I have started describing theses for papers I never intended to write and delved into the specifics of classes that don't even exist. If nothing else at least you will have the satisfaction of knowing that your ongoing conversation serves no purpose for anyone living or dead.
• And last but not least, there are the "you're just jealous" enders. "You're just jealous of my boyfriend"..."You're just jealous of my gorgeous hair"..."You're just jealous because I can balance jello on my belly button and you can't"..."You're just jealous because he really enjoyed having sex with me"..."You're just jealous that my name is longer than yours"...and last but certainly not least (because it is my all time favourite) "You're just jealous that I didn't try to convert you to my fake religion."

And there you have it. I hope they serve you as well as they serve me. Now if you'll excuse me, I just have to go to the ladies room...