Good Reasons to Freeze to Death

I don't have a spiral ring notebook, so I'll write them out here. I included an extra suggestion because it was the dumbest thing I've heard in quite a while--denoted by an asterisk. First person to guess who said it wins a prize.

Rory made me listen to this crazy song and one line in it was, "...while I write down good reasons to freeze to death/in my spiral ring notebook." I think it was the same song in which there is a line about either a babbling brook or a battling frog--either way it makes no sense, unless you try to make sense of it. So here they are-- my list of good reasons to freeze to death:

1. No body listens to you. If no one listens to anything you say, then you might as well be invisible. Invisible people aren't people: they are ghosts. Ghosts aren't alive. So if you might as well be invisible, you might as well be dead. And if you might as well be dead, then you might as well freeze to death because that is a memorable way to go.
2. *Well, if you were in Hell...*Fuck that shit, if you are in hell then you are already dead. If you're already dead then you cannot die again.
3. You're being eaten by a polar bear. When you get hypothermia, most of the symptoms you experience are much like being drunk (dizziness, confusion, blurred vision...) so my theory goes that if you were freezing to death and you consequently felt drunk, then being eaten by a polar bear might just be hilarious. I think everything is funny when I'm drunk.
4. Someone just asked you again whether you think you'd suffocate or drown first if they put a plastic bag full of ice cubes over your head. Death by freezing would be better. And no, the ice cubes wouldn't freeze you...they would perform the experiment in Antarctica because that's the last lawless land.
5. Your fake fiance isn't really going to take you to Nashville. [Sidebar: the other night this super creepy guy was weirding me out, so I made Brady go get all my drinks for me. By the end of the night, I got up the nerve to go get my own but I brough Mark with me because he wanted a drink too. I introduced him to polar bears and he thinks they are delightfully girly. The creepy guy asked Mark when he was going to marry me and made him promise to take me to Nashville before the wedding.] That's just depressing. If you can't go to Nashville, you should go somewhere cold enough to freeze to death.

I know the list is short, but honestly, can you think of any better reasons to freeze to death? It's not just good reasons to die--this is serious business. For more on the weird ways my brain works, tune in next week for some other list that makes allusions to events but rarely fully explains them. Because scars are souvenirs you'll never lose.