Farewell, Hostile Wednesdays

They say old habits die hard. Personally, I never thought this day would come.

All good things must come to an end. Bad things don't have to, which is a bit of a piss off. And even if bad things must end, the way that good things do, they would never end as quickly. So, place this tradition where you will, Hostile Wednesdays are no more. Here, drink in hand, I bid adieu to years of concentrated, guided bitterness and hostility. Let's take a look back, to a time when Hostile Wednesdays weren't so indelibly a part of weekly existence:

Excerpt from "Reasons I Hate Other People's Opinions" Officially titled Baby Cannon (April 18)

1. "I hate other people
2. I act out of spite so my judgment is clouded by my desire to counter them.
3. Opinions generate chaos.
4. When I find out what my opinion is, I rarely agree with it."

Excerpt from "Sulk Monster" Officially Look What You've Done

"[Rory] quit trying and now he wants to move to New Zealand and work at HMV and not talk to any body for the rest of his life, just sit in his room and listen to music that makes him so happy he cries. I told him I'm crashing his sulk party...and he said he will pay to get me there."

...

"Rory and I finally got to have a drink together though, at the Horseshoe Tavern. Rory tells me that it's the kind of bar that if you sat down at the bar alone someone would ask you what your troubles are and listen better than your best friend. I decided it was the kind of bar where you keep your eyes on your drink at all times so you don't get date raped."

Excerpt from Bitter Days (March 15, 2006)

"I wish everyone was loved tonight

But I hate them all out of spite

And it’s all because of all these bitter days"

Excerpt from MARCH (2006 Ed.)

"Why I Love the World: It hates me."

Excerpt from Jumping Jolly January (18, 2006)

"Snow. I know, yesterday I would have told you that I would much prefer snow to the freezing rain that was dripping down my back. But today is not yesterday and today I hate snow."

Excerpt from Walking Week Wednesday (November 3, 2005)

Tips for overcoming workoholicism: "Skip instead of walking. You move faster and get to feel like an absolute dork."

Excerpts from A Miserable Day: A Tale of Tragedy in Three Parts (Oct. 26, 2006)

"Part One: In which the heroine finds herself utterly alone in the world and tries to console herself by clinging to a desparate hope for "Better Days" as promised once in a song.

"Part Two: In which the heroine realizes her shortcomings and attempts to quit everything. Failing miserably to even quit, and the miserable day continues, as all days must.

"Part Three: In which the heroine provides yet another list for her devoted followers, providing renewed hope for bitter but not miserable days in the future."

Excerpt from You Know it's Wednesday When... (Feb. 9, 2005)

"You know it's Wednesday when I'm calculating the vindictiveness of the bus driver based on his position at the stop light. True story. If the bus is stopped at the very front of the line at the stop light s/he is doing it just to torture those kids on the corner who simply cannot make it to the stop on the other side before the bus. Moreover, s/he is ALWAYS shaking his/her head at that poor kid who just wants to hop on while the bus is stopped. It's a terrible conspiracy. Just terrible."

Excerpt from "Top Ten Reasons to..." An Ode to Hostile Wednesdays (January 26, 2005)

"Leave Hostile Wednesdays the way you found them:

• Bitterness is contagious, like mono. And I have both.
• My pouty face is the cutest face I can make.
• Hostile Wednesdays are the driving force behind this blog, and bitterness is the driving force behind my life.
• [If you don't] I will have fewer opportunities to threaten to defenetre everything you own.
• If I'm gonna vent about the deflowering of innocent young males at strip clubs, or the generally idiocy of the opposite sex, wouldn't you rather I get it all off my chest once every week than once every hour?"

So, why? you ask, must this phenomenon come to a close? Because there's nothing left to be hostile about on Wednesdays. Case and point:

• I don't have to get up early, so I don't have to fight with my alarm clock (one less thing to defenetre--boring!)
• I don't have to go to campus so I don't have to fight with the bus system (one less thing to bitch about)
• I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to.

Therefore, Wednesdays are too pleasant to be hostile...

I know what you're thinking: it's a crying shame to see a timeless tradition left in the dust. But just look at what you have to look forward to:

1. We could be day time drunks. That's what Rory wants to do because then we'd never get anything done.
2. Breakdown Thursdays: I come home, read 3 pages, have a minor nervous breakdown and spend the rest of the night drinking and watching bad tv.
3. A thesis: hello! Forty pages dedicated soley to my very own brand of pure genius (not whale anatomy, mind you).
4. Jean throws Erin a party. As promised. PLUS Jean works at M&Ms so there will be mounds of delicious food--and a bit for the party-goers to munch on too.
5. Signed Goo memorabilia. Delivered upon the completion of my four year degree. I love it when I make Jean sign her promises.
6. Graduation, I guess.
7. Job search extravaganza: I haven't been in university for the last four years working on my M-R-S...and I know you all feed on my exasperation (it's funny) and there is nothing more exasperating than endlessly searching for something that might simply not exist--like the perfect job.
8. I'm not happy but I'm funny--just wait til I'm not funny but I'm happy. Well fuck.
9. MIT will make me pull out all of my hair by December.
10. I'll have a fun time dressing for the royal ball with no hair to put up.
11. Erin fights her own hostily: and any one who talks in third person. Decidedly hostile towards hostility (there's another definition of irony for you Burns, Evans...)
12. You might die (I kind of hope so...)
13. Defenetring things isn't hostile if they land on your balcony. True story.
14. At least one mid-week "quit"--because there's an awesome buffet at the Hot House on Wednesdays--the only day on which there's any sense in quitting.
15. Brain death. Actually explosion. Don't worry though, you can store whatever you can scavenge off the floor in Brady's head for a while--he's leaving lots of room open for just such an emergency. (I'm not being mean that's what he told me!)
16. Maybe we'll both die (that would be sweet).
17. Future converts join the club. Weinism isn't going any where.
18. Rory gives up all hope on me when I finally kick my bitter addiction.
19. I get bitter because I miss Rory.
20. The reunion at Hot House.

Now if that isn't a send-off I don't know what more you want from me. Buy me a Rushdie book to add to my thesis stack and I'll be your best friend. Threats are out; bribes are in. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end--thank you, Semisonic, you took the words right out of my mouth.