Eleven Reasons to Love Me

Some things you do for money, and some you do for fun. But the things you do for love are going to come back to you one by one.

This list started as Eleven Reasons to Keep Reading. Remarkably, a lot of the reasoning remains the same. I'm nothing if I'm not consistent.

1. It's the last thing they expect you to do. I don't look lovable, so you will have surprise on your side. This meshes well with any other spiteful reasoning you can come up with.
   
2. It'll improve your vocabulary. I know a million words, which is why I'm going to publish my own Erin-thesaurus. (And if I was a dinosaur I'd BE a Smythesaurus...tricky).
   
3. It'll improve your chances of making your fortune writing Harlequinn Romances. Fiction is way wilder than truth when the story begins with a confession of undying love for me and ends with the combined agony of both our aching hearts. For more on this, see my collaborative attempt with Burns at Soapy storymaking: Angel, Won't You Call Me...coming soon to a theatre near you. But seriously, do you know how much you can make writing that crap?
   
4. Unrequited love is entertaining. Ours might not be the same calibre as Romeo and Juliett's, but we're living in a different time and your sob story is still bound to delight someone you want to impress. (PS I don't expect this little experiment to end in a suicide pact. For the record.)
   
5. Have I mentioned I'm fucking hilarious? Only a crazy person would do someone else's homework; Only a hilarious person would be self-centred enough to make it a tragic romance pivotting on real events and real people, with herself as the heroine. [Sidebar: Rory's major objection to my manuscript had nothing to do with my declaration of my own pure genius...he just didn't want my character to be falsely pleasant. So, he changed "I know the warmth and comfort of her smile" to "I delight in her biting sarcasm"...wow. ]
   
6. Time waster...holy don't tell me you are bored...pining means business. You have to put some effort into finding reasons to look deep into my eyes and to fill me up with enough alcohol to make me much less discrete. Not that the second part is that hard...I have a list of reasons to drink enough alcohol as well . No joke. It's a true story.
7. Get your mind off of life. Whether you are disgruntled about being snapped at (not that you know anyone who is snappy at the Employment Help Centre) or frustrated about your credit issues (not that anyone ever has those), sit and have a loving chat with me and you will be primed and ready to get back to your life in no time. What a whiner, you will think. And, of course, you'll be right.
8. I really like puzzles. My mom is framing my Winnie the Pooh mosaic puzzle for me. If you love me, you will be too dazzled by my beauty and wit (read: sarcasm) to be bored.
9. Long walks on the beach, and across the scary bridge, and to the wrong lighthouse.
10. I'm used to abuse. Rory: "You should start judging people by the shoes you wear...I mean what if you see this gorgeous girl and you think she's awesome except that you notice she's wearing platform sandals. Then you ignore it but one day you'll get home and she'll be listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. What then?!?" Erin: "But Rory, I am wearing platform sandals." Rory: "That's okay. We're already friends and I don't find you the least bit attractive." And the alternate-- Erin: "Brady, you are like my archnemesis. In fact, I think you might be the very reason that I hate people." Brady: "You're short." Ouch.
    
11. Rory does. He just likes to keep it a secret. And I know you secretly want to be like Rory.

And don't you just think it would be fun for a change? Besides I'm lonely and hungry and if somebody loved me I wouldn't be as likely to be both because that someone would love me enough to feed me or talk to me at very least..Now, top reasons to consume enough alcohol:

1. The lime they put in rye and gingers and rum and cokes. So delicious.
2. The look on poor Burns' face when I buy everyone but him a shot by accident.
3. Free shots.
4. Open bar.
5. You're lonely.
6. You turned 19.
7. You turned 19 two and a half years ago.
8. When you drink hard liquor straight from the bottle you can wipe your mouth on the back of your shirt because it's bad ass and being bad ass is so awesome.
9. You aren't 19 yet but you want to prepare your tolerance for the birthday celebration.
10. You are trying to raise your tolerance.
11. You secretly hate your liver.
12. Good excuse to hypnotize people.
13. Good excuse to go down stairs on your buttocks.
14. You want to get dressed up and go out.
15. You want to sit at home in your pajamas.
16. Your nipples are bleeding and someone is laughing at you: drunk you is allowed to punch that person square in the gut.
17. You're tired of driving.
18. You're tired of listening.
19. You feel like talking (a lot).
20. It's been a while since you told a good "...and then I destroyed BK Lounge" story.
21. The pink panther dance.
22. You're hungry but all you have is beer.
23. It will make you forget that you're hungry.
24. You feel like you have WAY too much money.
25. You feel like your significant other has more money than you.
26. Baby cannon prevention.
27. Drunk you is the only one anyone loves.
28. It's been a while since you showed a stranger (or friend) your boobs.
29. Tearful conversations that make you laugh when you wake up.
30. The day after your hangover you feel fantastic.