Morning After Conclusions

This week has inspired me to do some introspective considering. You saw my post-oar house musings...very deep, I know. And so, I have come to a few conclusions, then universalized them and put them into a list (what a shocker!).

Things every drunk person needs to remember:

• Cartwheels are for gymnasts and 10 year olds. (Sidebar: When I was 8, one of my friends broke her fingers trying to do a one-handed cartwheel. I had to write all of her homework for her...including cursive handwriting practice. Elementary school teachers are so smart.) If you really feel the need to do a cartwheel, look around. If you are on a hill going into a tunnel...or up out of a tunnel, resist the urge. The consequences of not remembering this rule may include: scraped palms, head trauma, and pulled leg muscles...or in my case all of the above.
• You're not smart. Don't try to talk about smart things when you're drunk. It is perfectly acceptable to try to explain the philosophical importance of how sticky beer-covered floors can be. It is not acceptable to discuss term paper or your fourth year thesis.
• You're happy. Alcohol is, in all fairness, a depressant, but you really need to avoid becoming a weepy drunk. No body ever wants to hang out with the cry baby.
• Cheap shots are the bane of your existence. Especially the ones that actually taste good. Before you know it you will have forgotten all these rules and you will be making a complete fool of yourself.
• Beer is better for you than studying. Don't proofread your essay; have some beer.
• You should not sing along to the songs you don't know. When you're drunk, you think you know all of the songs. You don't. You know none of them. Stop singing.
• You have to snort the key. If you promise to keep a secret, you lock your lips. If you lips are locked you can't open your mouth to swallow the key. You have to snort it. Thanks for the tip, Steve. At least I retain my appreciation for irony after a few beers.
• Walking home is not a better idea than letting someone pay for your cab.
• It is colder than you think.
• You are louder than you think.
• Some things are really important, like the whereabouts of a few key things, like your keys.
• Falling down is not cool. It will hurt in the morning.
• Things like pavement and wood tables remain hard even after you lose your tactile senses. That is to say, don't slam your hand down on the table when you spill a bit of beer on yourself. Don't knock your head against walls. Don't encourage other people to fight. All these things will come back to haunt you in some form or another.
• Water is a foul weather friend. Avoid it until the end of the night, then keep it close to your bedside while you sleep. Don't let people trick you into loving water too soon. Sometimes water is the enemy.
• No one is going to throw up. Your body can totally handle as much alcohol as you just put in it. If you're feeling foul give your friend water a try.
• Toast is a key part of drinking. I don't know why. I just love toast so much sometimes.
• Laying down in the middle of the road is bad. Sitting on the floor at the bar because you're laughing too hard to stand is ok. Regardless of what the bouncers say. It's okay to sit on the bar in order to feel taller. Again, no matter what the world tries to tell you, don't forget proper protocol for where to sit, stand, eat, drink, laugh, and otherwise exist.

Every now and then I start to think that maybe I need to focus a little more on my studies. And after an entry like that you are probably nodding along, thinking, sounds like a good idea to me too. Then I remember, sometimes hangovers are condusive of creating the appropriate appearance for certain presentations--like the ones where you are demonstrating how to turn a puppet show into a drinking game (true story: my idea). Besides, judge ye not...you'll lose.

Can you tell I'm trying really hard to cope with my Novembers? Actually, I was protesting the month when it first got here. The hostility continues, or so it seems. I'm off shots for the rest of the day at least. They are nothing but trouble. Convert now.