Walking Week Wednesday

A post for the workoholics of Weinism. And you thought Hostile Wednesdays were bad before...

So I'm walking down the street--literally? what the hell? It's getting to be damn cold in this city...and in this country for the most part. So why walk? Oh, let me tell you: I lost my bus pass. Actually, I just misplaced it. Actually, I know exactly where it is, but I can't get to it. "Cuz you're so short?" AHAHAHA...no.

So, my bus pass is in Burlington, and I'm walking to school. But that's not enough. I'm walking to school three and a half hours before I have to be on campus because I agreed to volunteer at the grad and professional schools fair. For fifteen dollars and a free t-shirt, I spent three hours smiling and greeting recruiters, directing lost souls, and answering some of the dumbest questions I've ever heard in my life. I was supposed to help distribute water bottles too, but I decided I was above that.

Then there was the actual school part--never anything much to report there. Prof talked; I took notes; prof stopped talking; I went and bought 10 dollars worth of gum; and I was back on the road again. (Of course, by the road I mean sidewalk...I don't have a death wish this week.) Now the worst part of the walk home was the feeling of panic and hurriedness. It's November people...I don't have time to breathe let alone spend 45 minutes climbing Sarnia mountain. Oh, it's steep like a mountain.

So, I was hurrying. And here's the really sad part: I was hurrying home to do someone else's homework. I'm sure that Someone Else would love to pipe in and explain that I was just helping to correct the homework...but that he really doesn't have a voice in the world of my rants. And that brings me to the focal point of this particular entry: I just realized I'm a workoholic.

Now hold on. I know what you're thinking. But, staying in character, I'll prove to you that I am in fact a complete workoholic with one of my lists. Ahem. You know you are a workoholic when:

• You walk to and from school in order to save yourself $2.50 or the shame of being caught trying to sneak on the bus at Natural Science. (Not that I would ever even think of such a thing.)
• You walk at a superhuman pace because you have to get home to read.
• You have to get home to read someone else's assignment.
• Someone offered to pick you up, but that would involve waiting around for 10 minutes extra. (Remember, it's a 45 minute walk.)
• While you walk you try to formulate the perfect essay topic.
• For all three of your papers and how to change the papers just enough to get away with it.
• When you're not scheming about your essays, you're wishing you were pregnant. Have you heard this logic yet? If you were pregnant someone would take pity on you and offer you a ride home. If you were pregnant you wouldn't have to be afraid of being raped (that would be too awkward for the potential rapist) so you could accept the ride as the act of a good samaritan.
• Your heart rate increases when you realize the outline for your term paper, which is to be between eight and ten pages, is fifteen pages long.
• You spend ten minutes explaining passivity to someone, then give up and lapse into grammar jargon that even you can't understand.
• You vent for half an hour about how you don't even have time to eat a proper meal only to conclude that you don't like food that much anyway.
• You revel in the idea that your thoughts might be confusing enough to give someone a headache.
• You have more than one panic attack a week.
• Your panic attacks revolve around what other people are wearing and the stupid things that other people say.
• Your proposed essay topic is declined, but you decide to write it anyway--out of pure spite.
• There is nothing unusual about the fact that you have 200 pages left to read at midnight.
• When you hear someone bemoaning the fact that they only have 2 weeks to write a paper you restrain yourself from slapping them. Two hours is all you need. Two hours and a lot of caffeine.

And, according to tradition, here is the list of ways to overcome the issues of workoholicism:

• Make up new words. It will make you feel better.
• Spend the money you saved by walking on booze. Holy call for rum and coke.
• Skip instead of speed-walking. It's really fast and dorky looking. You just can't be stressed out when you're skipping.
• Always remember that someone else's procrastination is not your emergency. No one is going to let their assignment be handed in late just so that you can stress over their grammar (or content for that matter), so they can either give you adequate time to take care of it, or do without your expertise. (NB: I had lots of time; but lots is never enough.)
• Waiting time doesn't have to be wasted time. Turn the time you have to spend sitting on a bus (if you're so lucky as to ride one) or just before you get sleepy to do something you really like. I read the books I wouldn't otherwise get to read. And eat chocolate. Oh, chocolate.
• There's nothing wrong with thinking and walking, but be aware that those revelations you had may be best attributed to the gas fumes.
• A baby will not fix anything. Ever. I have nothing against the little droolers, but they are not the solution so forget you ever thought they could beYEA...yea.
• Tell yourself that increasing your heart rate is a form of exercise. Even if you're panicking. NEVER let the truth get in the way of your happiness.
• Claim that the overuse of any type of jargon is satirical. If you're a scientist and you find yourself talking about everything in terms of biology, chemistry, or physics (etc), when you catch yourself, smirk and say, did you see what I did there?
• There really is nothing unusual about having that much to read.
• Chocolate is the only kind of food you really need. Free chocolate is the best kind of chocolate in existence.
• Become overly egotistical and carry a bottle of aspirin around with you. Whenever you go to pitch an idea to a prof or want to talk to someone about your classes, offer them a pill before you start.
• Quit panicking. God, what are you? Some kind of freak?
• Oh yea, people really are stupid. Laugh at them instead of hyperventilating though. You now what they say about laughter and medicine: They mix poorly if laughter is induced by alcohol. (NB: I don't know who "they" are. Maybe the voices in my head...pfft.)
• Don't abuse spite. It is a beautiful thing if it's properly employed. You can be as spiteful as to write a paper unnecessarily only as long as the real papers are already finished.
• Caffeine is bad for you. It gives you insomnia. That's the editorial you: caffeine gives everyone insomnia.
• Just remember: When ten million monkeys all picked up guitars--no body taught them how!

And that, my dears, is that. Walking week continues tomorrow. Wish me luck. Don't be a workoholic anymore. Fight the desire to do too well. Sleep sweet. And remember that every thing's totally feather pluckin insane.