Procrastination Generation

Or, how to successfully avoid--and validate your avoidance of-- all things unpleasant in life.

You are on the right track, let me tell you. If you have something to read or write or otherwise complete, this is the place to come to prevent you from doing that. There are a few tips that can help you with overall procrastination:

• Get mopey. You already don't want to do any of the things you are supposed to be doing. So put on a sour face and the world will leave you to your sulk party.
• Make everything alliterate. It takes longer.
• Value irony. Spend the majority of your time complaining about how there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.

But, that's just the beginning. Take it from me, a world class procrastinator, you really need an entire list of things to choose from when you want to avoid doing something. Like me, here I sit, instead of writing an essay that is due on Wednesday I am protesting writing altogether. Value the hell out of that statement, and read these more specific tips:

• MSN. This one should be pretty easy, and it tends to be on the top of most people "procrastination list", which brings me to my next point...
• Lists. Make everything into a list. Write down everything you have to do and then allocate time for every activity. Frame the list. Love the list. And let the list mean nothing to you.
• Make everything into a drinking game. Barrel of monkeys: every player tries to pick up as many monkeys as they can. As soon as they drop a monkey their turn is over. The person with the most monkeys doesn't have to drink, but everyone else has to have one shot/sip/chug for every monkey on their chain. It is REALLY hard to play alone, in case you were wondering. Make a list of the rules for all your drinking games. Don't patent it. Procrastination cannot be turned into capital gain.
• Read random blogs. Umm, like this one.
• Write random blogs. Umm, not like this one. Mine are never random. They are incredibly well thought out works of ingeniuty.
• Practise a menial task. See how many times different ways you can wrap an elastic around itself. Do all kinds of sit ups and push ups. Turn pieces of your essay into poetry, then back into prose (Did you know that Benjamin Franklin did that to improve his vocabulary?).
• Lead by example. Bring the whole world to your world of procrastination but don't call it a party. It is a meeting of the minds.
• Make Benjamin Franklin your role model. Even he couldn't be as good as he wanted to think he was. Man, I have Benny on the brain today.
• Do other people's work. Read pages and pages of legal crap for no real reason. Proofread essays in topics you know nothing about. Focus your efforts on getting everyone around you through school while you slip through the cracks. In other words, become an academic doormat. (For more on academic doormattism, see previous anecdote about a certain teacher that gave me a B- to prevent another student from failing outright...)
• Fuss about the significant other in your life. If you don't have one, fuss about the lack of one. If you vowed never to let these things bother you, then fuss about how the world fusses too much about such stupid things.
• Go through this entire site and figure out what I was doing because I really believed in it and what I was doing purely to mess with your head. When you're done that write me an angry letter for messing with your head.
• Turn everything you say into a song, either by talking in song lyrics or by singing about what you're doing. People at work were wicked at this. I don't know how many "I'm going to the bathroom, where I will pull down my pants and pee" songs I heard this summer.
• Play the shadow game with your roommate. If you're super bored, play the literal version, where you actually follow him/her around for hours at a time, mimicking his/her every move.
• Sit on your porch, balcony, etc and comment loudly on people passing by. When there's no one around sing only these lines by PUSA: "Kitty at my foot, meowing out a conversation. Two string on my lap, all plugged in to amplification. Rocking back and forth, that's my only destination. Cuz I'm an old man on the back porch." By the end of those lines there should be someone new to comment on.
• Spread your doomsday scenerios.
• Email surveys. Answer in riddle, alliteration, or at least complete falsehood.
• Use email surveys to spread your doomsday scenerios.
• Convince someone that life just isn't worth living. Then, tell them you're leaving to do all the things that you know they love most in life. For example, if you are talking to a horny alcoholic, when the convincing is done, tell that person you're going to drown your sorrows in booze and masterbation.
• Never let the truth get in the way of your happiness.
• Make up random titles to explain your positions in life.
• Practise using oxymorons. When people think you've lost your mind say, very clearly, "Well, all in all, you're just another prick with no job."

Last but not least, convert. You can drag that out as long as you want and I'll be happy to help you out there. Meanwhile, I have a few essays to finish up.