I think that there is this point, where we all want to be able to tell eachother that life is worth living. I mean, seriously, if you have a friend that is really on the brink...you want to be able to talk some sense into them don't you?
But what is sensible? I'll admit, I'm not a fan of "hard truths". They tend to come across as a reason to cut into someone you're mad at. Consider,"Yes, of course you screwed up!" as a hard truth. You're just mad. You just want to let out your own frustration when you deal in "hard truths". But reality, actual real life, is so full of the hard truths that people use as weapons that hurt is inescapable. In fact, pain is a hard truth. And essentially, so is life. Deal with it, so says the world. But I'm not ready for that yet.
Thus, there is a stubborn part of me that is not ready to admit that the whole world is hopeless. There is an incessant part of me that wants to cling to hope the way that a toddler clings to her favourite blanket. I'm not ready to give that up. I'm not ready to lose all my faith in the world. And, God, don't I know how hard the world works to prove me wrong; but I will hold on to the belief that everyone in the world is just struggling for something they can't have...and that all we can do for one another is try to make that thing more attainable...or at least try to make life more bearable.
Is that pathetic? Are you sitting there wondering if I've completely lost my mind? I know, far be it for me to show any compassion...but if life is one big trial...if life is nothing but a string of fortune or misfortune, then why can't we be friends? Why can't we all just try to get along? Why do we insist on letting our minds or our hearts get in the way? If someone offers you a hand, or holds open a door, why should you read it as a patronizing act? Why do the kindest gestures have to be turned into condescension? The simplest explanation for all things may be the right one: we just are. And if that's all it is, why can't we just let eachother be? Why can't we help eachother without turning against one another.
So tell me all your thoughts on God. 'Cause I'd really like to meet her...
I love people. That is one fact I am really slow to admit. There are people, though, who my heart feels a special something for that I cannot explain. I don't want to be anything special to them, but I want them to know that they are something special to me. And truthfully, some of these people I gave up on in the end. They didn't need me and I didn't need their drama. They'll never know it. They still think I feel the same as ever. I may be cynical and bitter and all kinds of horrible things, but I swear, I really am dedicated to the people that I call my friends. If you gain my loyalty you can count on me to always be there--whether I like it or not, and whether you like it or don't. (Did you catch the bad parallelism? Tell me you did. I will feel successful then). There are a handful of people in my life that I would go to extreme lengths to help, and who don't even realize that I'm willing to do that. More than that, I'm just as willing to step into the line of fire for them when I'm sober as when I'm drunk--shocking I know.
But would you do it for me? No wonder I feel so alone. I am alone in this. I would go to such great lengths for you that you can't even imagine what I'm willing to do, and you won't even spend the time it takes to tell me what I can do to help you. If you didn't know that would be one thing. But you just don't want to accept my help. You think that there should be strings attached...because if the situation was reversed you would be tying the strings yourself. I guess I got caught in the ruse of the world because it's just a promise no one ever keeps. But whose the one you answer to? Do you listen when he speaks? Night all. Sleep sweet as ever.
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