What the Crap, Yo?

When I was training Jeff at Ford last year, he told me that what he really wanted was clothes that said, "What the fuck?" on them. All over them. A hat. Socks. An entire wardrobe. And he only wanted to wear it to Ford because that was all he thought when he was there.

Now, Rory and I aren't supposed to say that magic expletive, so this is my "what the crap" blog, dedicated to all the things in my life that make me say, "what the [you know what]?!"

1. "Yo." Rory makes fun of everything I say. Everything. So I've taken to deliberately saying things that I know Rory wants to make fun of. For example, Rory does not like those who say "yo," so I asked him to get a crink out of my shoulder (it hurt because truck wheels are bigger than me) and when he failed, I went up to him while he had a great big mouthful of water and exclaimed, "It's still broke, yo!" And he joked on his water and yelled at me, "WHAT THE CRAP!"

2. Rory threw up in the annex and now he doesn't have to clean it. He also got Lyndsay, Tim, and Ashlee off of cleaning duty. The puke just sat there in the annex for like a week. Sounds backwards to me. Shouldn't somebody clean up that puke? Perfect example of fordian what the crappism.

3. Lyndsay made Rory mad and that made Rory psychic. Rory told Lyndsay his new job for the summer would be to move flat trucks around. Today Lyndsay had to count every flat truck in the building. Well over 300, so why can't we ever find any? What the crap.

4. I have a new arch-nemesis. His name is Ryan Brady and I hate him because he is tall. Today, I asked him if he would do me a quick favour. He said, "What's that?" and I replied, "Could you just come over here and be tall for me for a minute?" and he laughed at me. What the crap. He also lied about having a knife. I told him later that he is the very reason that I hate people. He is the perfect arch-nemesis because he takes my insults without trying to change my mind or make my life miserable. My plan is working. What the crap? Nothing ever worked for me before.

5. I'm not invited to the Book Expo. I spent all of May waiting for June because the Book expo takes place in that month--not invited. What the crap.

6. I met Brendan's parallel self. He is just like Brendan but about twenty five years older. His name? Brendan Smith. Creepy eh? What the crap. Brendan number two is a sexist firefighter who couldn't get a job as a cop because he has the worst attitude towards people ever. He likes fires better now. It sounds kinda perfect for Brendan number one as well because he would probably enjoy playing with his hose almost as much as firing his gun, don't you think? What the crap. I might be related to Brendan number two some day. Oh no, then I'll never get free of Brendan-ness. What the crap guys.

7. Andrew got kicked out of school for smoking drugs. What the crap.

8. I've been fighting with my sister for the last month and I had no idea. What the crap.

9. Last night I had to drive home with a migraine. My arm went numb and I couldn't tell which set of lights I was supposed to be looking at, but Rory is still teasing me because I revved too high when I pulled out of his driveway. Then, when I pulled out of the driveway tonight I stalled the fricking car because I was so self-conscious. What the crap.

10. Lyndsay told me the worst thing I've ever heard and I can't get it out of my head. If I don't laugh I think I'll actually have a nervous breakdown. This is the best year at Ford for laughing until the tears stream down my face, ever. What the crap.

There's more to come, I'm sure. Ford does that to you. I spent half my day today trying to decide how to go about getting a thesis supervisor and the other half deciding what I'll do with the money I save by not paying tuition when I drop out of the honours program. I'm a smart kid. Clearly intelligence isn't my issue--sanity is.

Don't forget to convert. Hostile Wednesdays are way too fun to miss out on them any longer. Cuz I was your anger and you were my fear, and now that it's over of course it's so clear. But you were no angel and I was no sin. But somehow I can't let it go...oh, goo.

Proposal, Tears, and Ford Fun

Oh, they all belong in the same title all right.

Proposal
May 6th arrived with a vengeance. Shane scheduled an appointment for me in Toronto that started at 9 AM. I yi yi. I made it though. Despite all odds.

I got my nails done, including my toes. I almost kicked the poor woman giving me the pedicure because she kept tickling me. Someone blow dried my hair as well. She was a big bitch. And I got my make-up done. The woman who painted my finger nails said, "You are subtly, but definitely, transforming. I love how the eyeshadow embellishes the thousand stories that your eyes tell." I didn't laugh in her face. Thank goodness.

More fun to come. Shane and I walked up to the Eaton's centre and I bought a new dress and a pair of shoes. I wanted to look extra wonderful for our special dinner at the CN Tower. The reservation was made for 7:15 and we arrived 15 minutes early in order to orient ourselves, etc.

The food was good, but expensive. The view was beautiful. The wine was terrible.

Shane tried to propose on the observation deck but I wouldn't go outside because I was too cold. He managed to get me to go for a short walk with him and proposed at the bottom of the tower instead.

Tears
I cried my eyes out. It hurts to hurt the person you love most.

Ford Fun
Back at Ford this is all I can think about. I haven't heard from Shane in three days. He's working nights in Welland and he let his cell phone die so I cannot get ahold of him. My manicure chipped off Monday. I feel dirty and my feet smell really bad. I'm getting sleepy so I think I'll have a shower and go to bed.

Teach Me to Dance, Antonio

Sometimes the best times in the world come from intricate planning and a lot of money. Other times, they come from a random email and a follow up WTF phone call.

Part I. The Email

I'll be honest with you: I don't get a lot of emails. Most people either call me or decide that I'm not important enough to communicate with. Andrea is a fish of a different colour. She sends me more emails than anyone else in the whole wide world. Often, they are the products of boredom and random thoughts. This is the one I received this afternoon:

"i thought you would appreciate this
i kinda giggle every time this song comes on cuz i go aww thats me, and then go hahaha no!
"i've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show, i thought that being strong meant never losing my self control, but im just drunk enough, to let go of this pain, to hell with this pride, let it fall like rain, from these eyes, tonight i wanna cry"
i realized that i dont care and dont need to be drunk, although it helps.. maybe i just wish i had some self control over these tears, bastards."

So, I am sitting in my chair, in my basement thinking, when the heck did she write that? and trying to decide whether she was crying and depressed or actually just thought I would understand her craziness. I was going to email her back, but then I decided that I should just cut out the middle-man (aka Hotmail) and give her a phone call.

Part II: Let the Madness Begin

I will spare you the nitty gritty, but in the end, Andrea and I ended up at the mall in search of the right dress for Saturday night. We didn't find it. The mission failed. We did, however, visit my favourite place on Brant Street and talk to my favourite server at that place. He got all impatient on me because I tried to ask if Andrea wanted anything to drink. He is Dennis's friend--that makes him evil.

Well, Andrea has a rare sense of humour. She didn't order anything, but she still found a unique way to make my life difficult: she sat reading the tip jar. "Tippucino?" she says, "What the crap? THANKS A LATTE!! That's hilarious!!" And I thought she would giggle for a few minutes and then get the hell over it. God, no. I've never been so wrong in my life. She laughed until the tears started rolling and our dear friend the evil guy stuck his head out the drive thru window and says, "Are you laughing at me? Cuz if you are that's really rude!" and that set me off. So I am laughing at Andrea who is laughing at the cup while the evil one is feeling so left out. We explained to him about the cup, and I told him I was laughing at Andrea and he told me that was good because she really deserved to be laughed at.

Part III: That Calibre of Cool

We returned to my home, where we worked on my Winnie the Pooh mosaic puzzle (I'm almost done, Rory, you better get over here before it's done!) and ate Tacos with my family (except I don't think they really qualified as tacos). Then, we sat there and said to each other that we weren't sure what we should do next. I suggested a movie, and Andrea agreed that we should do that.

It was a toss-up between "The Wild" (that wants to be Madagascar but mostly fails) and "Take the Lead." In the long run, we decided that we'd let timing dictate our choice, and "Take the Lead" was on at a better time, so we went to see that. Do you know why? Because we are that calibre of cool...

Part IV: I Choose to Follow--How Brave

Do you know what that movie was about? Antonio Banderas plays a french guy teaching a bunch of poor kids how to ballroom dance. It reminded me of a story I wrote when I was like 8--everything that happened was tied to the romantic climax. Here are some of my favourite lines:

• This super white kid with red hair and freckles says to Antonio, "Yo man, we don't need no mo white bread up in here." And the girl he was referring to says, "Do you even own a mirror?"
• Antonio walks in and introduces himself as Pierre Dulane. Someone says, "Pierre doesn't sound very Spanish to me." Antonio explains, "My father was French, but my mother was Spanish. I know 6 languages and speak 5--all in a Spanish accent."

Andrea and I were so ranty after the movie that we forgot to dance in the parking lot. So we danced in the car.

Part V: Booty Call

After the movie I came down here to write this blog, when I heard the phone ring. I assumed it was for Meg. Then I heard my dad calling me from upstairs and I thought, Oh no! Shane fell off some roof or something! But when I got to the phone it was just Rory. He says, "Hi! I can't hear anything you're saying but do you want to do something. Yell so I can hear you!" And then he came over.

Rory and I went to Wendy's for JBCs and then to Ultramart for candy. After that I brought him back to my house and showed him how far we got on the puzzle. He was very impressed. We worked on the puzzle until 2 am at which time he declared, "I better get going. My mom is going to call me a home wrecker again."

And that is how I spent my Tuesday evening.