It's kind of hilarious how one unusual occurrence (like a friend coming to visit finally) can dramatically change the way you think about the world. Take, for instance, the impact of Rory Burns' visit on my regular Monday routine. While I usually vow to rush home and get straight to work, more often than not I am sidetracked by some tantalizing offer to go chair shopping or eat dinner. Last night, I stuck to the plan though. I went with Alycia to Curves right after the clinic, and came home and got straight to work. I was finished my MIT reading by 7! Moved on to my thesis proposal--something 6 weeks in the making is now complete. Clearly, I just work well under pressure--plus the excitement has made me majorly hyper and that energy is proving itself really helpful. Thank you, Rory Burns--you should come to visit more often. (Or at very least, you should threaten to do so.)
Here's how I see this dramatic event unwinding:
Tonight: The Grand Reunion
Rory (a zombie) runs towards Erin with wide open arms.
Erin (not yet a zombie) stands still and waits tearfully for Rory's slow motion run to bring him back to her outstretched arms. In his embrace: My God!! How long has it been??
Rory [tearfully]: Too long, baby!
They laugh and retreat from the terminal which is now full of conspicuously gawking onlookers.
Later that Evening: A Conversation
Erin (now a zombie):I'm drunk, Rory Burns.
Rory (still a zombie): Perfect.
The Finale: Rory's Return
Erin (no longer a zombie): It's just so said to see you leaving...
Rory (no longer a zombie either): Don't worry. We'll meet again someday.
Erin: Tomorrow.
Rory: Perfect. I knew we would be zombies again.
Erin: No. No more zombies. We're going to do something as real people instead of as the living dead.
Rory: But I like being the living dead.
Erin: Too bad. We're real people from this moment on.
Rory: I hate you.
Erin: Nope. You love me. I'll see you tomorrow.
Rory: Okay.
Conclusion: No tears. No drama. Very boring. But you can totally imagine it can't you? Rory if I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake...well, I did know, and I didn't bake one. But that's because it would have tasted bad not because I don't want to celebrate your visit. So, I will dress up like a zombie instead. That would make a good song: If I'd known you were coming I would have blackened my eyes and painted my face white!
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Smile, Even though It's Raining
Smile, though your heart is aching. Smile, even though it's breaking...la da da da da...just smile.
Today I am all wet. Soaked, head to foot. I hit the snooze button twice because there is no sense in drying your hair when it's pouring rain. Tired too? How'd you guess. But today, we're going to find reasons to smile, even though it's raining; to smile, even though it's Tuesday. We're going to smile because I'm too wet to start leaking from my eyes.
True Love and Thank You Cards
I'm in love with some guy from United Furniture Warehouse on Wellington. He doesn't know I love him, but that hasn't stopped me before. After travelling far (and I mean far) and wide (I never understood what that had to do with anything) in search of the PERFECT chair for Alycia, we arrived at the United Furniture Warehouse. Here, we realized that most of our philandering up to that point was a waste . The Brick's dumping ground, as it turns out, doesn't need to have sales because their prices are better than sale prices--but they still have sales. We wandered into the back room and found a couple reasonable, quite nice (but not perfect) chairs and even a few chair + ottoman sets (very important to us). After we decided that all the chairs were starting to feel exactly the same, we wandered back out to the showroom, where we met the newest love of my life.
I don't know his name. I don't even remember what he looked like, but he is the nicest person I had talked to all day, and he won my heart almost immediately. Instead of turning his nose up at us for trying to find less expensive, individual pieces, or trying to convince us that ugly uncomfortable chairs were neither ugly nor uncomfortable, he asked us if we'd snooped into the employees only section of the back room. When we adamantly denied even thinking of such a thing, he took us back there. Alycia sat down in the ugliest chair known to man (but it was cheap) and the guy said something along the lines of, "Well, that certainly is funky isn't it?" and then laughed at me when I tried really hard not to speak my mind (I know: for a change). Of course, the chair that Alycia liked was a bit on the pricey side, but that happens. I want to go back and give him a thank you card so that he knows I appreciate his existence. Fact is, I would have probably bought something just so that he could feel good about himself, but I didn't have my wallet. I think a thank you card would do the same thing, for about .03% of the price.
Uninvited
Do you remember that really bad Alanis Morrisette song from the City of Angels? I remember my friend's cheesy rendition when she was in a fight with someone from school and wanted to tell her not to come to her birthday party any more. "But you...you're disinvited..." Ouch. It hurts just thinking about it.
Jeff showed up unannounced Friday night and guess what--I wasn't home. He wanted me to come out with him and his friend, but that was nearly impossible. So he went and met up with Clayton and Ryan downtown anyway. Ran through a car wash. Evading some fees. Slept on my couch then went home in the morning. Weirdo.
Delayed RSVP
About ten years ago I invited Rory Burns to London. He's coming next week. We're going to raise quite a bit of hell. I can't wait. It would all be perfect, and I would have nothing else to say, except...why doesn't HE have to go to school?? I always have to go to school--12 hours a week!! This time, I am telling you right now, I will actually not recover from a broken heart if you let me down again, Burns. I will be dead. For good. I mean it.
Math Junkie
Telus might not want me, but I don't want Telus anymore. I applied for a position at the Millenium Research Group in Toronto. They want to make sure I'm not lying to them about my wonderfulness, so they have invited me down to their office to show off my skills. Actually, they are going to subject me to an hour long test in which I will have to prove my written and mathematical/analytical skills. I mean, clearly, I will have no trouble with the geometry or the finite, but what if I forget how to formulate a proper sentence?? I'll be screwed. And maybe dead. For good. I mean it.
The scariest part about applying for a job like this is that even though I'm confident that I'm competant enough to attend to the mathematical aspect, I can't help but wonder what kind of lowly and floundering company would want me to work for them? What kind of crazy person would offer someone like me a job?
If All Else Fails
Brand new decision: if I fail to find employment at least I will be able to finally get to work putting my million words into my own Erin-thesaurus. Yay, a project for post-grad. Do you think I could convince someone that is a relevant thesis for a masters programme? "I'm going to catelogue all the words floating around in my brain." I think they would think I'm crazy.
Scathing Wit
You could make me so happy if you would read over my book review for MIT. I know that Weapons of Mass Distortion isn't up everyone's alley, but if you enjoy my scathing wit you might find something to like in my piece. I spend about 100 words wondering how in the world lying about the existence of weapons that could (and will) kill us all can be equated to lying about having an extramarital affair. Clinton lied under oath is the apparent difference. So say what you want until you put you right hand on that bible--the cons take that shit right serious.
I wanted to include the word defenetre, but since I'm lazy about french accents it probably won't work.
My wit is bound to cause me more grief soon though. I have been really good lately and I don't know how much longer I can hold out before it comes out in one evil torrent of rage. Oh, it'll be a torrent all right.
Keep Smiling
Today I am all wet. Soaked, head to foot. I hit the snooze button twice because there is no sense in drying your hair when it's pouring rain. Tired too? How'd you guess. But today, we're going to find reasons to smile, even though it's raining; to smile, even though it's Tuesday. We're going to smile because I'm too wet to start leaking from my eyes.
True Love and Thank You Cards
I'm in love with some guy from United Furniture Warehouse on Wellington. He doesn't know I love him, but that hasn't stopped me before. After travelling far (and I mean far) and wide (I never understood what that had to do with anything) in search of the PERFECT chair for Alycia, we arrived at the United Furniture Warehouse. Here, we realized that most of our philandering up to that point was a waste . The Brick's dumping ground, as it turns out, doesn't need to have sales because their prices are better than sale prices--but they still have sales. We wandered into the back room and found a couple reasonable, quite nice (but not perfect) chairs and even a few chair + ottoman sets (very important to us). After we decided that all the chairs were starting to feel exactly the same, we wandered back out to the showroom, where we met the newest love of my life.
I don't know his name. I don't even remember what he looked like, but he is the nicest person I had talked to all day, and he won my heart almost immediately. Instead of turning his nose up at us for trying to find less expensive, individual pieces, or trying to convince us that ugly uncomfortable chairs were neither ugly nor uncomfortable, he asked us if we'd snooped into the employees only section of the back room. When we adamantly denied even thinking of such a thing, he took us back there. Alycia sat down in the ugliest chair known to man (but it was cheap) and the guy said something along the lines of, "Well, that certainly is funky isn't it?" and then laughed at me when I tried really hard not to speak my mind (I know: for a change). Of course, the chair that Alycia liked was a bit on the pricey side, but that happens. I want to go back and give him a thank you card so that he knows I appreciate his existence. Fact is, I would have probably bought something just so that he could feel good about himself, but I didn't have my wallet. I think a thank you card would do the same thing, for about .03% of the price.
Uninvited
Do you remember that really bad Alanis Morrisette song from the City of Angels? I remember my friend's cheesy rendition when she was in a fight with someone from school and wanted to tell her not to come to her birthday party any more. "But you...you're disinvited..." Ouch. It hurts just thinking about it.
Jeff showed up unannounced Friday night and guess what--I wasn't home. He wanted me to come out with him and his friend, but that was nearly impossible. So he went and met up with Clayton and Ryan downtown anyway. Ran through a car wash. Evading some fees. Slept on my couch then went home in the morning. Weirdo.
Delayed RSVP
About ten years ago I invited Rory Burns to London. He's coming next week. We're going to raise quite a bit of hell. I can't wait. It would all be perfect, and I would have nothing else to say, except...why doesn't HE have to go to school?? I always have to go to school--12 hours a week!! This time, I am telling you right now, I will actually not recover from a broken heart if you let me down again, Burns. I will be dead. For good. I mean it.
Math Junkie
Telus might not want me, but I don't want Telus anymore. I applied for a position at the Millenium Research Group in Toronto. They want to make sure I'm not lying to them about my wonderfulness, so they have invited me down to their office to show off my skills. Actually, they are going to subject me to an hour long test in which I will have to prove my written and mathematical/analytical skills. I mean, clearly, I will have no trouble with the geometry or the finite, but what if I forget how to formulate a proper sentence?? I'll be screwed. And maybe dead. For good. I mean it.
The scariest part about applying for a job like this is that even though I'm confident that I'm competant enough to attend to the mathematical aspect, I can't help but wonder what kind of lowly and floundering company would want me to work for them? What kind of crazy person would offer someone like me a job?
If All Else Fails
Brand new decision: if I fail to find employment at least I will be able to finally get to work putting my million words into my own Erin-thesaurus. Yay, a project for post-grad. Do you think I could convince someone that is a relevant thesis for a masters programme? "I'm going to catelogue all the words floating around in my brain." I think they would think I'm crazy.
Scathing Wit
You could make me so happy if you would read over my book review for MIT. I know that Weapons of Mass Distortion isn't up everyone's alley, but if you enjoy my scathing wit you might find something to like in my piece. I spend about 100 words wondering how in the world lying about the existence of weapons that could (and will) kill us all can be equated to lying about having an extramarital affair. Clinton lied under oath is the apparent difference. So say what you want until you put you right hand on that bible--the cons take that shit right serious.
I wanted to include the word defenetre, but since I'm lazy about french accents it probably won't work.
My wit is bound to cause me more grief soon though. I have been really good lately and I don't know how much longer I can hold out before it comes out in one evil torrent of rage. Oh, it'll be a torrent all right.
Keep Smiling
The longer you hold on, the more likely you are to witness the torrent. That's a promise. So hang in there old chum, the best is yet to come.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
21 Things that Baffle My Small Brain
Please explain them to me!!
- Shakespeare's Coriolanus. Why is it allowed? Why is it so boring? Why does anyone even pretend to like it.
- The trans-everything in Orlando by Virginia Woolf. Is she a woman, or a man? A (wo)man? How could a modern woman have such post-modern ideas?
- Why did Virginia Woolf go and kill herself? If writing was so so so depressing, why wouldn't she just stop? Just stop already. If you hate something, don't freaking do it.
- This quote by Nina Burleigh, reprinted in Weapons of Mass Distortion: "I would be happy to give [Clinton] a blow job just to thank him for keeping abortion legal. I think American women should be lining up with their presidential kneepads on to show their gratitude for keeping the theocracy off our backs" (Bozell 144). Are you freaking kidding me?? I don't even know where to start.
- The chutnification of history in Midnight's Children.
- Do I care about the chutnification of history in Midnight's Children?
- What would Nietzsche have to say about all of this? He already told me God is dead, but he told me nothing about chutney!
- How can an apology ever be proceeded by a "but"?
- What in the heck is wrong with my tummy? I think I'm going to be sick again...
- Civil war during the partition of India. If it makes you happy, then why the hell do you look so sad? And if it makes you happy, then why do you have to massacre each other? PS What were those damn Brits thinking, stirring up all that hate?
- Partial birth abortion aka third trimester abortion. And why Bozell has to describe it so brutishly. If a baby born after only 5 months can live, don't you think we're capable of understanding that final trimester abortion is grueling?
- Liberal media bias. Everyone who disagrees with you is liberal when you are a conservative? Am I wrong? If you're talking about political issues? Have a missed something?
- Why are the things that taste so good, the one's I'm not supposed to eat?
- Why 17 is minor, and 18 major--but not major enough to know how to handle booze.
- Why was the 5 hour yarn event such a flop?
- Why haven't I taken down the poster for the 5 hour yarn event?
- Little Miss Sunshine is the best movie ever. Why isn't everyone watching it all the time?
- Jackass 2. Moreover, leeches attached to eyeballs and snake bitten, sock covered penises. Why is that so hilarious? I almost peed.
- Anyone who has seen Jackass 2 more than once. You're sick.
- Why I'm writing a blog instead of reading.
- Why I have a bookmark with Just as I Am printed on it. And why that song makes me feel all warm on the inside.
Do you know what the number one thing I don't understand is though? I don't understand why you ever bothered to read that list, knowing full well that I am sitting here at my computer lamenting the limits of my small brain. Tell me I'm a genius already! Man alive, how many hints do I need to give you before you realize I am in desparate need of an esteem boost? I'll be here: Just as I am, though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt.
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