Eleven Reasons to Love Me

Some things you do for money, and some you do for fun. But the things you do for love are going to come back to you one by one.

This list started as Eleven Reasons to Keep Reading. Remarkably, a lot of the reasoning remains the same. I'm nothing if I'm not consistent.

1. It's the last thing they expect you to do. I don't look lovable, so you will have surprise on your side. This meshes well with any other spiteful reasoning you can come up with.
   
2. It'll improve your vocabulary. I know a million words, which is why I'm going to publish my own Erin-thesaurus. (And if I was a dinosaur I'd BE a Smythesaurus...tricky).
   
3. It'll improve your chances of making your fortune writing Harlequinn Romances. Fiction is way wilder than truth when the story begins with a confession of undying love for me and ends with the combined agony of both our aching hearts. For more on this, see my collaborative attempt with Burns at Soapy storymaking: Angel, Won't You Call Me...coming soon to a theatre near you. But seriously, do you know how much you can make writing that crap?
   
4. Unrequited love is entertaining. Ours might not be the same calibre as Romeo and Juliett's, but we're living in a different time and your sob story is still bound to delight someone you want to impress. (PS I don't expect this little experiment to end in a suicide pact. For the record.)
   
5. Have I mentioned I'm fucking hilarious? Only a crazy person would do someone else's homework; Only a hilarious person would be self-centred enough to make it a tragic romance pivotting on real events and real people, with herself as the heroine. [Sidebar: Rory's major objection to my manuscript had nothing to do with my declaration of my own pure genius...he just didn't want my character to be falsely pleasant. So, he changed "I know the warmth and comfort of her smile" to "I delight in her biting sarcasm"...wow. ]
   
6. Time waster...holy don't tell me you are bored...pining means business. You have to put some effort into finding reasons to look deep into my eyes and to fill me up with enough alcohol to make me much less discrete. Not that the second part is that hard...I have a list of reasons to drink enough alcohol as well . No joke. It's a true story.
7. Get your mind off of life. Whether you are disgruntled about being snapped at (not that you know anyone who is snappy at the Employment Help Centre) or frustrated about your credit issues (not that anyone ever has those), sit and have a loving chat with me and you will be primed and ready to get back to your life in no time. What a whiner, you will think. And, of course, you'll be right.
8. I really like puzzles. My mom is framing my Winnie the Pooh mosaic puzzle for me. If you love me, you will be too dazzled by my beauty and wit (read: sarcasm) to be bored.
9. Long walks on the beach, and across the scary bridge, and to the wrong lighthouse.
10. I'm used to abuse. Rory: "You should start judging people by the shoes you wear...I mean what if you see this gorgeous girl and you think she's awesome except that you notice she's wearing platform sandals. Then you ignore it but one day you'll get home and she'll be listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. What then?!?" Erin: "But Rory, I am wearing platform sandals." Rory: "That's okay. We're already friends and I don't find you the least bit attractive." And the alternate-- Erin: "Brady, you are like my archnemesis. In fact, I think you might be the very reason that I hate people." Brady: "You're short." Ouch.
    
11. Rory does. He just likes to keep it a secret. And I know you secretly want to be like Rory.

And don't you just think it would be fun for a change? Besides I'm lonely and hungry and if somebody loved me I wouldn't be as likely to be both because that someone would love me enough to feed me or talk to me at very least..Now, top reasons to consume enough alcohol:

1. The lime they put in rye and gingers and rum and cokes. So delicious.
2. The look on poor Burns' face when I buy everyone but him a shot by accident.
3. Free shots.
4. Open bar.
5. You're lonely.
6. You turned 19.
7. You turned 19 two and a half years ago.
8. When you drink hard liquor straight from the bottle you can wipe your mouth on the back of your shirt because it's bad ass and being bad ass is so awesome.
9. You aren't 19 yet but you want to prepare your tolerance for the birthday celebration.
10. You are trying to raise your tolerance.
11. You secretly hate your liver.
12. Good excuse to hypnotize people.
13. Good excuse to go down stairs on your buttocks.
14. You want to get dressed up and go out.
15. You want to sit at home in your pajamas.
16. Your nipples are bleeding and someone is laughing at you: drunk you is allowed to punch that person square in the gut.
17. You're tired of driving.
18. You're tired of listening.
19. You feel like talking (a lot).
20. It's been a while since you told a good "...and then I destroyed BK Lounge" story.
21. The pink panther dance.
22. You're hungry but all you have is beer.
23. It will make you forget that you're hungry.
24. You feel like you have WAY too much money.
25. You feel like your significant other has more money than you.
26. Baby cannon prevention.
27. Drunk you is the only one anyone loves.
28. It's been a while since you showed a stranger (or friend) your boobs.
29. Tearful conversations that make you laugh when you wake up.
30. The day after your hangover you feel fantastic.
    

Farewell, Hostile Wednesdays

They say old habits die hard. Personally, I never thought this day would come.

All good things must come to an end. Bad things don't have to, which is a bit of a piss off. And even if bad things must end, the way that good things do, they would never end as quickly. So, place this tradition where you will, Hostile Wednesdays are no more. Here, drink in hand, I bid adieu to years of concentrated, guided bitterness and hostility. Let's take a look back, to a time when Hostile Wednesdays weren't so indelibly a part of weekly existence:

Excerpt from "Reasons I Hate Other People's Opinions" Officially titled Baby Cannon (April 18)

1. "I hate other people
2. I act out of spite so my judgment is clouded by my desire to counter them.
3. Opinions generate chaos.
4. When I find out what my opinion is, I rarely agree with it."

Excerpt from "Sulk Monster" Officially Look What You've Done

"[Rory] quit trying and now he wants to move to New Zealand and work at HMV and not talk to any body for the rest of his life, just sit in his room and listen to music that makes him so happy he cries. I told him I'm crashing his sulk party...and he said he will pay to get me there."

...

"Rory and I finally got to have a drink together though, at the Horseshoe Tavern. Rory tells me that it's the kind of bar that if you sat down at the bar alone someone would ask you what your troubles are and listen better than your best friend. I decided it was the kind of bar where you keep your eyes on your drink at all times so you don't get date raped."

Excerpt from Bitter Days (March 15, 2006)

"I wish everyone was loved tonight

But I hate them all out of spite

And it’s all because of all these bitter days"

Excerpt from MARCH (2006 Ed.)

"Why I Love the World: It hates me."

Excerpt from Jumping Jolly January (18, 2006)

"Snow. I know, yesterday I would have told you that I would much prefer snow to the freezing rain that was dripping down my back. But today is not yesterday and today I hate snow."

Excerpt from Walking Week Wednesday (November 3, 2005)

Tips for overcoming workoholicism: "Skip instead of walking. You move faster and get to feel like an absolute dork."

Excerpts from A Miserable Day: A Tale of Tragedy in Three Parts (Oct. 26, 2006)

"Part One: In which the heroine finds herself utterly alone in the world and tries to console herself by clinging to a desparate hope for "Better Days" as promised once in a song.

"Part Two: In which the heroine realizes her shortcomings and attempts to quit everything. Failing miserably to even quit, and the miserable day continues, as all days must.

"Part Three: In which the heroine provides yet another list for her devoted followers, providing renewed hope for bitter but not miserable days in the future."

Excerpt from You Know it's Wednesday When... (Feb. 9, 2005)

"You know it's Wednesday when I'm calculating the vindictiveness of the bus driver based on his position at the stop light. True story. If the bus is stopped at the very front of the line at the stop light s/he is doing it just to torture those kids on the corner who simply cannot make it to the stop on the other side before the bus. Moreover, s/he is ALWAYS shaking his/her head at that poor kid who just wants to hop on while the bus is stopped. It's a terrible conspiracy. Just terrible."

Excerpt from "Top Ten Reasons to..." An Ode to Hostile Wednesdays (January 26, 2005)

"Leave Hostile Wednesdays the way you found them:

• Bitterness is contagious, like mono. And I have both.
• My pouty face is the cutest face I can make.
• Hostile Wednesdays are the driving force behind this blog, and bitterness is the driving force behind my life.
• [If you don't] I will have fewer opportunities to threaten to defenetre everything you own.
• If I'm gonna vent about the deflowering of innocent young males at strip clubs, or the generally idiocy of the opposite sex, wouldn't you rather I get it all off my chest once every week than once every hour?"

So, why? you ask, must this phenomenon come to a close? Because there's nothing left to be hostile about on Wednesdays. Case and point:

• I don't have to get up early, so I don't have to fight with my alarm clock (one less thing to defenetre--boring!)
• I don't have to go to campus so I don't have to fight with the bus system (one less thing to bitch about)
• I don't have to talk to anyone if I don't want to.

Therefore, Wednesdays are too pleasant to be hostile...

I know what you're thinking: it's a crying shame to see a timeless tradition left in the dust. But just look at what you have to look forward to:

1. We could be day time drunks. That's what Rory wants to do because then we'd never get anything done.
2. Breakdown Thursdays: I come home, read 3 pages, have a minor nervous breakdown and spend the rest of the night drinking and watching bad tv.
3. A thesis: hello! Forty pages dedicated soley to my very own brand of pure genius (not whale anatomy, mind you).
4. Jean throws Erin a party. As promised. PLUS Jean works at M&Ms so there will be mounds of delicious food--and a bit for the party-goers to munch on too.
5. Signed Goo memorabilia. Delivered upon the completion of my four year degree. I love it when I make Jean sign her promises.
6. Graduation, I guess.
7. Job search extravaganza: I haven't been in university for the last four years working on my M-R-S...and I know you all feed on my exasperation (it's funny) and there is nothing more exasperating than endlessly searching for something that might simply not exist--like the perfect job.
8. I'm not happy but I'm funny--just wait til I'm not funny but I'm happy. Well fuck.
9. MIT will make me pull out all of my hair by December.
10. I'll have a fun time dressing for the royal ball with no hair to put up.
11. Erin fights her own hostily: and any one who talks in third person. Decidedly hostile towards hostility (there's another definition of irony for you Burns, Evans...)
12. You might die (I kind of hope so...)
13. Defenetring things isn't hostile if they land on your balcony. True story.
14. At least one mid-week "quit"--because there's an awesome buffet at the Hot House on Wednesdays--the only day on which there's any sense in quitting.
15. Brain death. Actually explosion. Don't worry though, you can store whatever you can scavenge off the floor in Brady's head for a while--he's leaving lots of room open for just such an emergency. (I'm not being mean that's what he told me!)
16. Maybe we'll both die (that would be sweet).
17. Future converts join the club. Weinism isn't going any where.
18. Rory gives up all hope on me when I finally kick my bitter addiction.
19. I get bitter because I miss Rory.
20. The reunion at Hot House.

Now if that isn't a send-off I don't know what more you want from me. Buy me a Rushdie book to add to my thesis stack and I'll be your best friend. Threats are out; bribes are in. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end--thank you, Semisonic, you took the words right out of my mouth.

The Things You Do for Love

King Saul fell on his sword when it all went wrong, and Jacob's brothers sold him down the river for a song; Something something about tiger balm into his glove...Some things you do for money, and some you do for love love love.

Ten things I learned today. A la maniere de Wallace Stevens...a la maniere de GEC:

1. Everything's classier in French: He tried to woo me in the language of romance. You stood between us, my savior in a muscle shirt who had no love for me. He loved my ass while you praised my assets. Brilliant despite all obstacles. The French have a way of fucking everything up. French Brady curses Jim, makes me drop everything and run for sanity.
2. The lucrative effects of Canadian Whiskey: I make up new words like "lucrativity" and think I’m a genius. The stuff that loosens lips above and below. It makes me feel invincible, not invisible like rum. Thoughts slide around: like marbles on tile, oil on water, the ice cubes I dropped on the linoleum.
3. I could be in love with you: but you're always too fucking far away.
4. You could be in love with anyone.
5. Positive thinking: I'm positive--the worst is yet to come. You're positive--this is as bad as it could ever get.
6. Destructive drinking: Like I didn't know all about that before. I learned to love alliteration and words that start with "B". Searching for a word to make you proud, I fall short when I fall asleep at "aardvark".
7. I'm closer to where I started: She told me that song lyrics are a wealth of inspiration, looking seriously thoughtful...and seriously hammered.
8. You're farther away than ever before: I'll never be the same again because of your dewy eyes and hyperbole.
9. I'm the reason I hate people. [Sidebar: one of Erin and Brady's first conversations ever recorded. Erin: You're like my arch-nemesis. Everything I'm not-- I think you might just be the reason I hate people." Brady: "You're short." ] I'm bitter and unforgivable. You're happy without reprieve.
10. You were right all along: Fate sets out to set me back, and I wish I could do something to make you realize that despite your melodramatic, overactive lack of wisdom, I know full well that you were right and I was wrong.