6 Reasons Why Going to Chapters is Almost the Same as Writing a Paper

With only slight emphasis on the "almost"...

1. It makes you hate Hegel. He said something something about history, but in a very convoluted and German way. I don't know what it means. But I know I'm supposed to.
2. You do things you aren't supposed to. When I'm supposed to write a paper, I play games, talk to people, spend way too many hours on research...When I'm at Chapters I spend all my money on books I don't have time to read.
3. You talk to strangers. To write a paper I usually end up having at least one awkward conversation with someone (on the bus or in class) in which I attempt to explain my very fucked up logic. Today at Chapters Amanda and I started laughing because some guy was talking about excellent sentence structre. He offered to help find us jobs. Talking to strangers is good, no matter what our parents have told us.
4. Caffeine. There's a starbucks at Chapters and I'm always wired when I write a paper. Well, wired or buzzed...one of the two at least.
5. You wander around aimlessly doing pointless things. Last week I amused myself for nearly an hour reading book titles. "I just want you to know tomorrow you are going to kill me and my family." Look for it. I swear it's real.
6. You fall asleep sitting up. And then someone says, "You've been hiding!" but really you are just tired of thinking and walking and standing...

The Day I Lost My Mind Completely

I understand that the majority of you think I'm a little nuts to start, but today, I actually lost my mind completely. Well, last night I lost my mind. This morning I awoke in the aftermath, to find my mind gone...

Part A: Your favorite heroine does someone else's homework
Because I'm such a good friend, I did a homework assignment for a friend of mine, several months back. The assignment was to write a personal story, but to make it interesting enough to turn it into a movie. Now my friend leads a rather dull life, and he was having some difficulty coming up with a plot that was equally plausible and entertaining. I, with my mind working at the speed of light, decided he was in love with me, and wrote him a lovely story about how I broke his heart forever.
The story was a huge hit with his teacher, who felt so sorry for him that he always looked hat im like he wanted to find a way to mend my poor friend's heart (I'm serious. I know it's creepy.) Rory turned the story into a lovely movie thing (umm, you know DVD cover thing). There were lots of pictures of rye bottles that I didn't quite understand...

Part B: In which the heroine gets to the point
The story made me laugh. Every time I reread it, I wonder why Rory let me write it...why he ever used it. But last night I had writer's pause (I'm told there is no such thing as "block" because a "block" sounds insurmountable, but you have to work your way through writer's pause). So I got out the old story and revamped it. I'm thinking I could sell it to Harlequinn if I beef it up a little. I even wrote an "erotic" scene. Weird eh?

So at that point my mind was shamelessly blown away, out the window. I didn't know it at the time, and feeling fatigue setting in, I checked the alarm and went to bed.

Part C: The Day I Realized I'd Lost My Mind Completely...
When I woke up this morning, the radio was blarring. I hit the snooze and thought, ya ten more minutes is all I need. When it went off the second time I almost broke it. Damn noise. I just wanted some sleep.

Part D: The Explanation
In all honesty, I have no solution to the sound of this pollution in me (when I wake up in the break down of the things I never thought I could be...) Tuesdays will always be trouble. Harlequin is going to sign me up for a three book deal--they just don't know it yet. My mind is almost back, but I need your help. Remind me why if life is the problem (and that's just baffling--according to Jenny Lewis) I keep on waking up--and breathing. Fuck breathing (it's a total waste of time.)

So I'm exhausted of Midnight's Children, but I'm thinking that I could totally do with some Salman Rushdie. If that's not baffling, I don't know what is. Tomorrow: part two of I QUIT LIFE FOREVER (the dramatic series...)

My Cunning Master Plan

Yes, it is still cunning if I tell you all the details because I had to think it up first.

Item 1: My thesis presentation is tentatively scheduled for Friday, April 13 and I am inviting every one to come and listen to me talk about the role of language and performativity in identity formation and reality in Salman Rushdie's Midnight's Children. I kid you not. That's really what it is about.

Item 2: I am telling you this so that I have no one to blame but every one of you when no one shows up and my heart shatters in disappointment.

Item 3: I am telling you that my heart will shatter so that you will actually come to my presentation.

Item 4: But you don't have to if you don't want to.

Item 5: Bring rum and ice cream. I have an exam in the morning but who needs to be sober to write, really? Not Hemingway that is for sure.

Seriously, rum and ice cream to celebrate the culmination of my genius. Please.

Expect the Worst

And you will never be disappointed...

I was presented with two conflicting possible interpretations of my thesis supervisor's intentions when she asked to see me in person.

One: Jean said, "Oh that can't be good. She's going to kill you!" I was inclined to agree. I figured she was going to have a fit because I subjected her to that paper. I pictured her with a knife saying, "You spent ten pages on plot! Contextualize this!" And killing me.

Two: Dennis said, "I bet she just wants you to go see her so that she can give you a medal made of rum and ice cream." Wouldn't that be something?

Well, she didn't kill me, but I was majorly disappointed about the lack of a rum and ice cream medal. Maybe someone will give me one of those to make me feel better. A girl can dream...Jean owes me a party for doing my thesis on Rushdie (she said that she would take me to Red Lobster for lobsterfest instead but I think she is a liar). She is also quickly approaching the deadline to get me my fourth year graduating present. (No, I haven't forgotten.)

The moral of the story? Expect the worst--you'll never be disappointed.

The Funniest Email Ever Written

Rory is round brackets and I am the square ones. Funniest conversation ever.


The absence of God will bring you comfort, baby(You) [let's hope so because his presence has been useless most of my life](Yeah, mayjor let down)[the majorest](F god)[up the bum with a rubber thumb](PERV)

And planning's for the poor so let's pretend that we're rich (Me) [but you like planning about new zealand](Yes, true but I >also said I to do what makes you happy out of context?) [well if you pretend> you're rich i guess that's like pretending you're happy](money isnt happy)[but poor people plan because they don't have the money to do it...](Suckers)

And I'm not my body or how I choose to destroy it (You)[alcohol...](Wiskey Sours) [so both of us...](It is now)[we rule]( did you lcbo today)

Folk singers sing songs for the working, baby (?) [this reminds me of the Simpsons when the nuclear plant goes on stirke and lisabrings a guitar to the protest but she never played the guitar before](that's stupid)[you're stupid](No you are)[im brilliant...and modest to boot](and self centered)

We're just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers (You/Me) [if you can't beat them, join them? or get a sturdier weapon...](I hate doctors/lawyers)[i want to beat them...and brendan because i need my book back](put him on the list)[oh he's on it...how do you> know about the list?](you told me)

There's no relief for the bleeding heart (You) [another reason i'm not allowed to talk in dtp any more](I got nothing)[poor little flower](thanks)[lol i meant the bleeding hearts]

'Cause they'll be losing bodies tonight (?) [the doctors and the lawyers are going to ruin us...](Read up two)[they would lose our bodies](Shitty news)[meh what do we care we'll be dead](Alive in our minds)

And Rory says you love, love, love and then you DIE (Me) [you would say that](thanks)[you're quite welcome...i would emphasize the die part if i was you](done)[atta boy](WOO)

I've watched him(her) while sleeping and seen him crying with closed eyes(Me) [aww poor crying rory](I'm actually watching some one cry)[who is that](I dunno. its because i marred them tho..eww)[oh you jerk! haha](umm sorry)

And you're not happy but you're funny(You)[at least i'm funny...](the>funniest)[thanks](a bunch)
and I'm tripping over my joy But I just keep on getting up again (Me) [doof](jerk)[you're clumsy](can't help that now)[so dont call me a jerk you doof](sorry your the doof)

We could be daytime drunks if we wanted (Me/You) [we SHOULD be i'm telling you](Next Time dear)[when? tomorrow i'm going to the liquor store](what are you getting?)[probably rum but maybe vodka and juice](shnapps)

We'd never get anything done that way baby (Me/You) [who needs to get things done?](not us were quiters)[are we ever quitters](Procrastinators of quiting)[ya what the hell we cant even decide to quit](I say we do but not right now)

And we'd still be ruled by our dueling perspectives (Me/You) [we would be, but we would be too drunk to duel...or maybe just drunk enough](Every day)[we should duel at ford](ok your on)[with picking sticks]

And I'm not my perspective (?) [me because i dont know what my perspective is until i am supposed to duel](ugh this is getting hard)[haha i almost said something inappropriate about hardness](No,dirty mind its about pillows)[lol i'll have to remember that](yes indubetably)

Or the lies I'll tell you every time(?) [me again because i'm a liar](i try not to be)[i know you are wonderful...but Nietzsche says there is no truth](blah blah blah. thats what i hear)[thinking there's truth is arrogant]

And Morgan says, maybe love won't let you down (Me)[but it probably will](never love conquers all)[conquer this...](a mountain?)[no i was shaking my fist](mountain dew is like no other drink experiance)

All of your failures are training grounds (Me) [you don't have failures](yeah sure do)[i dont believe you](alot. I let my parents down everyday)[they have misplaced expectations...you will never fail in my eyes](this last post is failing)

And just as your back's turned you'll be surprised she says (?) [us because of the next line]

As your solitude subsides (You/Me) (sure)[solitude is always surprising when it subsides](i dunno what this means)[when you turnyour back to the world you'll be surprised because you still won't be alone...](I will be)

And Mike I'll teach you how to swim(?) [i already know how and there is no way i would trust mike with me in water](yeah eww)[super eww](BARF)[all that hair](eww)

If you turn the bad in me into good again(Me)[it is and always will be good]

And I say there's trouble When everything is fine (You) [ya okay i do that](yes alot)[im sorry dont hate me](I wont)[oh thank goodness]

The need to destroy things Creeps up on me every time (You) [and that is all dennis's fault...i wasnt destructive before i met him](true)[stupid dennis]

Just as love's silhouette appears I close my eyes and disappear tonight (Me) [disappearing is fun--i want to disappear](disappear with me)[done](poof!)[oooh a magician...disappear my rest lit class]

And something's got to change 'Cause our love's the slowest moving train (?) [me and shane...the slowest train ever](haha)[im not happy but im funny sigh*](mwah)[muahahahahahaha](um)