Memorable Moments

Or what I remember of them...that is, moments from drunken craziness translated into some strange super anecdote...let's see how I manage to string together six weeks of madness into one long story.

Exploding Mirrors
I read this forum that Rory sent me about a car mirror that "exploded." A woman named Bambi wanted to know if it was possible that her sideview mirror exploded while driving through an intersection. She claimed that there were no other cars close to her, and she couldn't explain how the mirror just fell off, breaking her window as well. The resident expert told her that it was impossible, and a rock probably hit her window and the mirror, causing the damage.

I said to Rory, "That guy is cracked! Bambi's mirror isn't the only one that exploded: mine did too when Jeff was driving!" And he had no response to that.

Hoodeedoos
After reading this article, I went to Toronto with Rory to pick Jeff up from the airport. For his birthday, my dad flew Jeff with him to Vancouver. Since it was a last minute ordeal, they wound up on separate flights, so my dad needed to be picked up in Hamiltion and my brother in Toronto.

I was kind of frustrated about the ordeal because I didn't want to drive all the way back to Burlington, then rush to the airport all alone to pick Jeff up. So, my mother gave me a hundred dollars and told me to either order him a cab or take the boys out for dinner.

Lyndsay got a ride home, but Rory and I went to Hoodoo McFiggins. There, Rory said Hoodeedoo before everything he ordered, and so the waitress hated us. Then Rory tried to feed this crazy guy with a mullet through the window ("Did he eat the nacho?"..."Come on. It was a frickin' window! How the fuck would he feed him through a fucking window??"). Shortly after, he exclaimed emphatically, "It's like the zoo for ugly people...because that guy is ugly, not us." What a winner.

We're going back to Hoodeedoos again tomorrow. Woohoo.

Parking Lot Prankster
I've decided that I need to get some pepper spray. (Brendan says, "It's illegal. You can't have any." And I say, "Puff on you! I need something to spray in people's eyes if they are trying to molest me!") This revelation took place as I was sitting on a curb in a sketchy Oakville parking lot, waiting for Ryan to empty his teeny tiny bladder.

He assured me that if I yelled, he would come running as soon as he put his "junk" away. And proceeded to tell me that he would probably get it stuck, but that was a risk he was willing to take in order to protect me. Aww.

Two guys then came back to see us and we sat with them for a little while. They thought Ryan was the greatest thing since sliced cheese, and they even made him a special seat (on a shopping cart). Then they asked us how old we were, and Ryan was too busy laughing to hear, so I said, "Twenty." And the guy goes, "Oh shit man. I hope we're this cool when we're that old." He was 15.

And then I quit life and drove home. The End.

Good Reasons to Freeze to Death

I don't have a spiral ring notebook, so I'll write them out here. I included an extra suggestion because it was the dumbest thing I've heard in quite a while--denoted by an asterisk. First person to guess who said it wins a prize.

Rory made me listen to this crazy song and one line in it was, "...while I write down good reasons to freeze to death/in my spiral ring notebook." I think it was the same song in which there is a line about either a babbling brook or a battling frog--either way it makes no sense, unless you try to make sense of it. So here they are-- my list of good reasons to freeze to death:

1. No body listens to you. If no one listens to anything you say, then you might as well be invisible. Invisible people aren't people: they are ghosts. Ghosts aren't alive. So if you might as well be invisible, you might as well be dead. And if you might as well be dead, then you might as well freeze to death because that is a memorable way to go.
2. *Well, if you were in Hell...*Fuck that shit, if you are in hell then you are already dead. If you're already dead then you cannot die again.
3. You're being eaten by a polar bear. When you get hypothermia, most of the symptoms you experience are much like being drunk (dizziness, confusion, blurred vision...) so my theory goes that if you were freezing to death and you consequently felt drunk, then being eaten by a polar bear might just be hilarious. I think everything is funny when I'm drunk.
4. Someone just asked you again whether you think you'd suffocate or drown first if they put a plastic bag full of ice cubes over your head. Death by freezing would be better. And no, the ice cubes wouldn't freeze you...they would perform the experiment in Antarctica because that's the last lawless land.
5. Your fake fiance isn't really going to take you to Nashville. [Sidebar: the other night this super creepy guy was weirding me out, so I made Brady go get all my drinks for me. By the end of the night, I got up the nerve to go get my own but I brough Mark with me because he wanted a drink too. I introduced him to polar bears and he thinks they are delightfully girly. The creepy guy asked Mark when he was going to marry me and made him promise to take me to Nashville before the wedding.] That's just depressing. If you can't go to Nashville, you should go somewhere cold enough to freeze to death.

I know the list is short, but honestly, can you think of any better reasons to freeze to death? It's not just good reasons to die--this is serious business. For more on the weird ways my brain works, tune in next week for some other list that makes allusions to events but rarely fully explains them. Because scars are souvenirs you'll never lose.