Revelations

Some days you need to force yourself out of bed so that your brain stops tormenting you. Some days you need to stay in bed so that your brain doesn't start tormenting you. Today, somehow, I needed to do both.

Everyone has their peccadilloes (or so I am told--in comparison to mine, they all seem relatively tame). Last night I discovered a new one. Well, it was not so much new as renewed. Know what I'm saying? I went to sleep around 2:30 with my head full of online games. In particular, I was very frustrated by Frost Bite...because Dennis is way better at it than I am, and because I couldn't get passed level 4. I spent the remainder of my night trying to figure out what my brain meant by "Dennis is done and Shane is not"--like it was the most important puzzle I could ever solve. I tried just believing it. "Okay, I get it, " I told myself. But lying to yourself is much harder than lying to other people. I didn't really get it, even when I thought I did. So I sat in bed and tried to understand what it meant and why it was important and whether or not I would have to share this information with them. I kept giving up, throwing a pillow (getting up to get it because I love my pillow) and then burying my head in another attempt to sleep through this madness.

I thought I'd found the solution when I decided that I could just think about a different dilemma, and trick my brain into forgetting this maddening revelation. Somehow, the two became very mixed up and I started thinking that Dennis was done with Antiguan nobility and Shane was still hung up on it. It wasn't pretty. There were more things thrown.

This morning I had a new revelation: I shouldn't sleep. It is bad for my nerves. Every Tuesday (set your calendar by it) I wake up super panicky and can't figure out why. Unless I can sleep until noon, the feeling never goes away. So I am sitting here at 12:27 AM on a Hostile Wednesday, still trying to deal with the aftermat of Tuesday. It's sad really. I rather like sleep. But if it is going to make me crazy then I would really like to know what other choice I have?

Some people suggest sleeping pills and I will tell you what is wrong with them: they paralyze your body but not your mind. Thus, I lay in bed unable to move and try to figure out why Dennis is done and Shane is not and what difference that could possibly make in my life. Now while I'm sitting here wide awake I wonder if I've inverted my revelation and stumbled perhaps onto some sort of subconscious tidbit of moderately important information--and I'm sure I'll spend the whole night trying to decide.